Happy To Be a Wife and Mom: October 2013

Life. Were all living it, or you would not be reading this. Your alive. That says a lot. Life is not easy for most of us. Sometimes it is down right difficult, degrading, frustrating, sad, and leaves a person wondering why you should even continue in this life. I wonder sometimes why I am still here. I mean, what is my purpose? I thought I knew what it was, but with the past 2 years-I have changed that thought. But the amount of stress in my life has made me wonder....wonder a lot of things.

Do you read the bible? If you do, then you know some of the basic stories in there I hope. Can you relate to any of the people? I can. I relate to Job.

The past several years for me have gone like this:

Financially it has never been easy for us; Scott and I are not rich, but do live a comfortable life compared to some in this world. We are hard workers. I garden, I can, we raise our own meat and vegetables, and in the past we even raised some of our own fruit. (a home we use to live at had fruit trees). The fruit trees here have not survived well, mostly because the animals kill the tree before it has a chance. (the were in the pasture, so got to start a whole new planting of trees now-ugg)

We do not make a lot of money, some people think that we do because of what I do for a living. I will often have some people try to 'do the math in their heads' when they think "well if you have 'X' amount of women due in a month, then you make 'X' amount in one month......."

What they do not take into consideration is: costs of supplies, cost of birth equipment and supplies, cost of herbs and tinctures, auto payment, auto insurance, cost of gasoline, auto upkeep-including tires, brakes, -yearly at least one set up to two sets a year per auto, (the truck is available for my use in winter months when there is snow), self employment tax, social security tax, (yes when you are self employed, all of this comes out of the money I take in-so I have to 'save' up for paying it), conferences to earn (CEUs) continuing education units, magazines about what I do, education materials, books (midwifery books are expensive-the most expensive book I own cost almost $200.00) postage supplies, stamps, other mailings, business cards, office equipment-including staples, paper, ink, pens, stapler, scissors, hole puncher things, paper clips, sticky notes,-those files that you see me carry to your home cost $5.00 to 6.00 EACH just for the file, (not including the copies of all paper work), copies, printing, advertisements, internet access, phone (s), have to keep the home phone too-- attorney fees, (lately that has been a LOT in my business), dopplers, doppler gel, bandaids, and those kind of supplies, blood pressure cuffs (buy new each year), file cabinets, file boxes, storage boxes, storage items, clothing, uniforms, shoes, (all appropriate for what I do), computer and upkeep, copier and upkeep, including ink and paper, fax machine, well I could continue this list, but you get the idea.

here is the reality of it: I need to serve 2 women a month to just break even. If I do not, then I go 'in the hole' personally and with the business.

What I do is a calling, it is a ministry, but it is also a business. It is my livelihood. It is part of who I am, it describes me---but for the financial part of it, I could make more money if I would go back to working as a nurse, really. I no longer work as a nurse, but I did make more money when I did work as a nurse than I do now.

We still think about moving away. Especially after the past several years. I am tired of the rejection of so called friends, I am tired of the legal crap, I am tired of a lot of what is happening in our life right now. I am just tired.

So a number of years back, when we were struggling financially-we considered moving. I saw an add in a midwifery magazine looking for help in a business. I called the woman, and was told she had someone moving to help her so she no longer needed help. We talked for a short time, and then that was it. Well things in my life here, changed over the next several months. My mom, started to become worse, and was needing a lot more care. I did not want to move away from her -I felt that GOD wanted me here to be with her in her dying days and felt even though business for me here was not what I needed financially, we would have to stay and just continue to trust the LORD. Mom needed me here. That was in early spring.

Later in the fall, this woman called me. She had taken on extra clients anticipating this woman would move to the area and help her, and now, the woman was not moving there. She was wondering if I was still considering moving to the area. No I was not. Then she asked if I could come and help her for a few months. She offered to pay my way there, even if I drove, and offered to pay me to work with her, offered to house me and feed me. That was a great deal-so off I went for about 2 months.

So I went to Virginia for 2 months during October and November and I worked with another midwife. I was away from hubby all that time. But GOD was good and we survived it. Scott learned to skype although he has since forgotten how! Everyone there was soooo very nice, and accepting where I was at. It was beautiful land, and the people, I just can not say enough about how nice everyone was!

Do you know what it is like to go to a church and heaven forbid you 'sit in someone elses chair?" I do. I have had people comment-even now-in todays world. Yep. It still goes on. I just will sit (in the bleachers at our old church-) or off in a corner because I 'might' sit in someones seat. And I do not want to offend anyone. Well I did NOT feel this in Virginia. People were so accepting and so very nice. Maybe it was because I was 'new', but I do not think so. They were just polite. Try it, go to your church and watch for a few weeks-see? Do people always sit in the same chair? What does that do for a 'new' visitor? How do they act (the regulars) if someone 'sits' in their seat? Believe me, I have tested this and people get upset! They really do. It is not ok folks. Your stuck in a rut and then you (I have seen this and experienced it) have an attitude or say things that are hurtful. Oh then you pretend it was a joke-but remember what is in your heart comes out of your mouth...so do not try to lie and disguise it as a joke. I guess you see here, it bothers me when people are that way. It really does.

Rather than making this blog so very long, I will get to the point of things here: (this was suppose to be just about stress)

I was away for 2 months from hubby and family. We did not get to attend the family thanksgiving that year, and it would be the last one 2 of our family members were at. When I returned - I began my diet to loose weight-I had tested this diet how it effected me to eat this way, take the injections or use the tincture, before actually going on the diet---for a year----and I did fine so now I began the actual diet and I lost 45 #s. Our horse we raised from a young colt, we had to put her down.

2 months later, my only brother died from breast cancer. I sat with him as he passed from this life into eternity. PRAISE GOD that he accepted HIS gift of salvation -12 hours before he died.

I stopped the diet.

Over the next 3 months, I walked 2 babies to the grave. They never took a breath. One was a friend who was visiting from out of town, and while here to see her family, her baby died in uterus. I stayed with them as a friend and while at that babies funeral, received a call from a client whose baby stopped moving. I told her to go to the hospital, and her baby was gone.

Over the next 9-12 months I would walk 4 more babies to the grave. All were born with such severe abnormalities that they could not survive in this world. Does it make it easier? no it does not. GOD was with me, and those families. That was 5 families (one woman had twins) that I helped. (All have since had healthy children. )

I ‘found’ those 45 pounds.

I decided to work again on the diet. I went on it for one week and I lost 12 pounds. My mother, whom we took care of in the home in her remaining years, had a stroke and died. GOD was good and her passing was not too long of suffering.

I “found” those 12 pounds.

My diabetes became worse. (I have since found out all that time--- I was immune to the insulin I had been on)

5 months after my mom passed away, I was arrested for ‘just being a midwife’ ( learned really fast who my TRUE friends were, who I could really count on, and who was not supportive as they always claimed they were.)

I still am waiting for all of that to 'just go away'. My case is 'linked' with a different midwife whom I assisted at a birth. You are allowed to provide aid and comfort to a woman in labor and that is what I did at that birth. (I have always been allowed to serve women from my church- now that the new bill is thru, I can only hope that things will be different-I can only hope-but the charges are lingering-they are suppose to ‘go away’)

I was rejected by a church we had attended since 1986-(except for about 4 years) we were the 'last' remaining couple that had been there the longest-not that I guess that matters but it is a fact.

With GODs help, we paid off our truck, one medical bill, and another bill, yeah! Less debt!

I started another birth center (not with my money),

our roof on our home is still bad

we almost financially lost our home

we are being sued, ---and hopefully that is now worked out-

my doctor keeps messing up on my medications and blood tests

we were finally after working on this since march of this year, got the payments lowered on our home (was paying out 60% of our income to the bank for the house before that!-but we are still behind 3 months on our house payments)

The state of michigan investigated me about 6 -7 years ago, just because I am a midwife. No bad outcome, no complaint. So I hired an attorney for that (I have employed too many attorneys lately) and was told after they were done investigating, yea, you’re doing nothing wrong, nothing bad. Now, all these years later-it’s happening again. Sigh. going to be investigated-again. I will know more after I have to meet with the investigator.

My sister has cancer

Ok: I bet you are thinking, wow, stop complaining Ireena. This probably all sounds like I am complaining, I am not, but that is what I have been dealing with for the past several years.

I wonder sometimes if GOD hates me. I really do Then even after saying that and writing it, I hear HIM say no daughter, I do not. I know HE has not left me, but sometimes it “feels” like it.

I have been rejected by too many humans, I have been rejected a LOT the last 2 years by people and I just cannot stand it to think that YHWH has rejected me too. You might say, really Ireena? Well yes. If your a friend, do you check on your friends? Do you invite them over for dinner or call them to check on them? Over the past 10 years, Scott and I have been invited 3 or 4 times to someones home from where we went to church. Really. Does that say it for you? that is GODs people. We use to invite people over all the time, we actually had a goal to invite someone over from the church until we had invited everyone over, every year- and we almost succeeded with that-but we gave up. People make time for their very best friends, but not for others. And it continues....This world and HIS church is not doing a good job. It really is not.

I totally understand what Job felt, and I pray and pray, please not my family. Whatever I am to learn LORD GOD, Let me learn it. Allow my ears to be open and my eyes see what YOU have for me LORD GOD YHWH.

How do I keep going? I try to just focus on what is good --what is not going wrong. I try, but I am human...so often fail more than I succeed. We have the written word of GOD/YHWH, we have HIS HOLY SPIRIT, we are in a home, have a roof over our house, we have food, we have water, we have beautiful land, we have our family, we have each other (hubby and I ) I have a working auto, my hubby has a job, his truck works fine, we have healthy children and healthy grand children, my daughter in law survived cancer, I am a walking miracle (they have told me many times I should be dead over the past 22 years), I do have 'real' friends, who have never left me thur all of this, very few around where we live, but a number of them across the country-who email and face book with me and they have been a help for us when we have been rejected by others in the physical area where we live.

I will keep going, because what ever HE has for me yet, I have to accomplish.