Heart attack???

Well, I am still here.  For those of you who do not know, I may have had a mild heart attack.
Not totally sure at this point.

The past couple of years have been stressful.  Being arrested is not fun, nor is it easy and it definitely was not on my bucket list.  As with other happenings in my life that are not pleasant to go thru, once I am thru it- I can look back and say I have learned a lot.  One thing I did learn more about in the past couple of years since the arrest -was friendship, trust, and commitments.
~I learned who were 'true' friends, and who just wanted to pre-tend and then talk behind my back in a negative way. Even some in the birthing midwifery community.
~I learned who those were that were committed to being and remaining a friend and who just ran as fast as they could when the friendship was 'tested' during this tough time.
~I learned who to trust, and as the saying goes-who to keep close because they are in fact an enemy and I need to 'keep an eye' on them.

Me on the day of one of my hearings with several of my clients, all whom I fully trust...

With the social media, (aka facebook) I immediately gained about 500 'friends' after I was arrested.  Some have since 'de-friended me' once the initial drama was over.  That shows me they were only interested in watching the drama unfold.

Some are still 'friends', and many remain true to that friendship, but others not so.  Over the past few weeks I have been weeding many of those out.  Many still hang out as a 'friend' to watch  what is happening and others, remain because they really are a friend.  I only want real friends.

So I have begun to 'de-friend' those who I never really hear from, last week I got rid of 25 of them (well I de-friended them) and I felt good about that. If you dont care to comment once in awhile, or check how I am doing, then its time for you to go.  Now more to go!   I do not need the drama and stress of people who just want to spy on me.  I really do not.  I am not a child and will not act as one, and doing the spying thing, to me, is childish. I need and only want REAL friends,  who serve the LORD YHWH and whom we can fellowship on line, those whom I CAN trust and who have my back.  I know, I also need to be a light to others, and I am fine with that.  But, well-you know, there are just some-who have to go.

 I want to use face book as a way to keep up with certain people, and they with me.  I also want to use it as a witness to those who do not know YHWH as I do.

So the de-stressing by eliminating facebook friends will continue.  I will also work on other areas of stress in my life.  Stress has to go.

Why?

Because stress kills and I had a close call this week.

Monday began normally.  I had an appointment scheduled with a doctor (well actually a nurse practitioner) whom I have been seeing for my health care needs.  As a diabetic whose blood sugars were for a long time, not in control, and with having PCOS (that means it is difficult to lose weight ), someone with high triglycerides, (heart attack level and the diabetes and PCOS do not help lower those-in fact, helps to raise them) I need to do some serious changes.  I have been working on that for years, and with hard work, medicines and Herbals in combinations, I was able to lower all to good amounts.  Until the former doctor I saw-argued with me, calling me crazy, stupid, ---well more on that later.

So the other care providers I had been seeing over the years, were ok, but not all were very understanding about the PCOS and that plays huge into my health care and treatment plan.  Also they were men.  Sorry, but when a doctor comes to you as a woman, when you are overweight and just assumes all you do is eat junk, fried foods and fattening things, and then says the PCOS is nothing to worry about-it shows they are not the one I need to be seeing.

They would tell me: you need to just not eat that way (they did not believe me at how I really ate) and then say: you need to stop eating too much, or Don't eat fried foods Or don't eat junk or fast foods.  Ugg.  I would get so tired of arguing with them about how I did NOT eat that way. One use to call me stupid, crazy and other things when I would discuss the use of herbs or other treatment plans that did not include medication. My family did not believe me when I would tell them how he spoke to me.  Once my husband came to a appointment, and the doctor (from India) treated me soooo nice.  Why? Because my husband was there.  He was like a totally different man! So one time I had my oldest daughter attend an appointment with me.  After the appointment was over, she looked at me and said:  Mom forgive me, wow! He was rude!  But I needed a doctor, one that would prescribe the medications that I needed so for now, I was stuck.

Then after transferring a client and her baby to the hospital, I met a new doctor in ER who was setting up practice in my home town.  He told me to come talk to him (about helping back me as a Midwife) and soon we were taking our own mother there for care and then I transferred my care to him.

So the new doctor I was seeing, although he is really nice, he says: You need to just eat less and not eat fried foods, or fast food....Oh no, here we go again! I would just say -ya I know.  He too was not 'listening' to me about how I really ate!  He too, obviously did not understand PCOS and diabetes and their connection.  After a year or more under his care, he suggested that I see his nurse practitioner as 'she has had wonderful results helping people lower their blood sugars.'  

I thought, ok fine.  But here I go again, telling my story again, and will again most likely be told-stop eating so much, stop eating junk food, and stop eating fast food (even though I DO NOT eat that way)

So at the first appointment to see her, I was not happy. My body language spoke loudly.  The nurse noticed it and told me I do not have to be here, I can leave.  She was not being mean, just stating facts.  I said no, I will follow thru-Its just I was not looking forward to telling my life story again-- to someone who would look at me and going thru the same thing-again. (I did not realize who this NP was until she walked in-I use to work with her)

She came in, and I was happy with seeing her.  Then she looked at me and said, Ireena, you have to eat.  I thought; what? ......she got it..........  This will work.  (also, she herself had battled weight all of her life so she really understood)

See, I normally will get up about 6 am, and I can go until 1 or 2 or 3 pm until I eat anything.  Then I eat a good meal, and maybe its the ONLY meal I eat all day!  I may eat something in the evening time, and maybe not.

Yes I know, that is NOT healthy.  I KNOW that, I preach to woman all the time how to eat healthy! What I do eat -when I eat- it is healthy.  I try to eat organic as much as I can, we raise most of our own food-including meat, veggies and eggs. But the not eating until so late in the day, messes with my blood sugar, and also not eating enough-often I do not eat enough---my body is thinking it is starving all the time.  So it reserves EVERYTHING I eat-even healthy stuff, and stores it.   Plus with PCOS, my body will have a higher sugar and higher triglycerides.

She also changed my insulins (I had been on the same one for about 8 years-and even with the not eating enough-- it was NOT working)

Wow, when she did this---I noticed a change in my sugars!  So I have been under her care now for a few months, seeing improvements...my HbA1C has dropped!

So onto my story: Monday was my regular appointment but they called in the morning and asked due to a meeting the NP had to go to, if I would come in earlier or would I like to change it to another day.  I thought, no, for some reason-due to how I had been feeling over the past week, I thought-I really needed to see her.  I would come in early.

I had been feeling exhausted-for weeks.  After sleeping for 8-10 hours, (I had been going to bed really early) I would wake up and be so tired. I was not sure why, but it was not the normal me.

 I have been having dental work done over the past 3 months, removing silver fillings, and having them replaced with the healthy ones.  And just a week before this doctor (NP) appointment, I had my teeth cleaned.  I always get pre-medicated due to a history of having had Pericarditis.

'Pericarditis is a swelling and irritation of the pericardium, the thin sac-like membrane that surrounds your heart. Pericarditis often causes chest pain and sometimes other symptoms. Pericarditis is usually sudden and short-lived (acute).'

 That was years ago.  I occasionally will have a issue again, and have to really watch my fluid intake.  Too little and I feel strange things with my heart.

So at the dentist office, they took my blood pressure, and it was 99 over 50 something.  That is not my normal.  I usually run about 130s over 80s.  If this really is my B/P right now, it is a huge drop.  I thought, she must have done it wrong. I am not going to worry and tell her she done it wrong, what ever!

 But as the days went on, I continued to feel so tired.  So I thought, I will check my blood pressure myself....and when I did, noticed it was so low.  I re-checked it right a way, with a different cuff-still very low!  90s over 50s.  I kept a close eye on it over the next week, and I noticed I would feel a strange feeling in my head, not dizzy, just weird, and my pressure would be low when that happened.   Plus,  I was so very tired.  The highest the b/p went that week was 110s over 60s.

  I told the NP about this and also about some minor discomfort I had been feeling in my chest too for a few weeks.  She thought it would be a good idea to do a EKG.  I agreed.

After it was done, the nurse who did it hurried out to show the results to the NP and she in turn, showed it right away to the doctor (the nurse had left the door open so I could hear it all) they talked about me maybe wearing a holter (a portable device to monitor you for a day or so, you wear it at home) and then decided to call a cardiologist and I heard it all.  'Should I send her by ambulance or.....ok...yes...thank you.'

The NP came in and told me it did not look good, and I was to go to the ER.  She asked which hospital was my choice, and I said Borgess (known for their excellence with heart stuff, they are one of the top hospitals in the country for heart stuff)

They has told her, if I have been experiencing this over the past few weeks, then it was probably not happening right now, but 'had' already happened so it was not an emergency-where I needed to go right now...via ambulance.  I could drive myself (well hubby was) and it would be ok for us to go home and pack a bag, take care of the animals, and then drive to the hospital.  They will plan to keep me and monitor my heart and do some testing.

So we went home and Scott fed the animals, and I packed a bag, then off we went.

Well Long story short, in the ER the EKG was normal, and so were the labs.  But they wanted to admit me for observation.  I know, you do not just admit someone for observation if everything is 'normal'.  So  that made me wonder if they did not see something more but still wanted to be sure---I knew I was going to be admitted but if everything was in fact normal, then why admit me?

"EKG (Electrocardiogram)

This test detects and records the heart's electrical activity.  The test shows how fast the heart is beating and its rhythm and if the beat is regular, or irregular and steady.  An EKG also records the strength and timing of the electrical signals as they pass through each part of the heart.It can show signs of heart damage due to coronary heart disease and signs of a previous or current heart attack. " 

As we were driving to the hospital-I was working on writing checks to pay the bills, thinking if it is the worse, if anything happens, then this needs done to help Scott out.  I expected Scott to just drive, and go by whatever our GPS said, but our GPS unit was not being very reliable, and seemed to take us all over. He asked me about better directions and I laughed and said, I am busy over here having a possible heart attack along with writing out bills-you figure it out! (got to keep your humor a little bit!)  I did have peace....YHWH was with me....

 I talked to our children on the phone, they were on the way-I told them that they might make it to the hospital before us because it appeared that we were lost! We took a wrong turn from the directions my sister had given us, and thus had to rely on the GPS system only. But It finally came thru for us!

Once at the ER, an IV was begun (by a new nurse, who blew the first one, and now I had a huge hematoma at that site), then she finally was able to get one started-in a very tender spot that only inexperienced nurses will start them in that location....ouch.

I had the copy of the EKG that was done at the office, they made a copy of that one, and once on the floor another one was done too.  My 3rd EKG (this might cost a bit!)  By then my children were there. As the second one was being done my dil who is a nurse watched it.  It did not look normal either.
shucks. that is not good

So was it a MI?  By the labs, it did not show it, but my dil said if it happened awhile ago, (not today) then the labs may not show it even though the EKG says so. (Troponin levels can remain high after a heart attack for a few weeks)They do this test when you arrive at ER then about every 8 hours a few more times. They are time sensitive.

Blood tests:  during a heart attack, heart muscles die and release proteins into the blood stream.  Blood tests can measure the amount of these proteins in the blood stream.  If they are higher than normal, it suggests a heart attack.  

So I was to spend the night, I wore a monitoring device and was awakened often for sets of vitals, labs,  EKG, blood sugar checks.  None of these tests were done together, all were done separate, meaning just as I would fall asleep-again-I was wakened again.  Hubby was asleep in the reclining chair beside me. At least one of us was getting sleep.

In the mid morning I was sent to the cardiac lab, and a stress test was done.  That was uncomfortable.  Instead of running on a treadmill, I was told to lay still, and given a medication that speeds up the heart rate.  Having to lie still, and have the heart race like that-it would have been easier to run on the tread mill.  My mind kept telling me that when laying down, it is unnatural to have your heart rate go that fast.

  It became so difficult and I just had to keep praying....my body wanted to do relaxation techniques, and I had to work at NOT doing just that to slow my breathing and heart...(remember I am trained to help women relax in labor, so doing relaxation techniques come very natural to me).  I was told to pump my feet and given a stress ball to hang onto and pump, to try to raise my heart rate faster all while being on your side.

The problem I think was, the nurse accidently gave me the medication that lowers my heart rate first (it was to be given AFTER the test is done to help lower the heart rate again to normal) so now they had to give extra medication to get it to go faster.  great. So a test that was to take about 45 minutes from beginning to end, took 2 hours.  Scott was very stressed waiting and not knowing if I was ok or not!

As the test was done, my heart would not come down to regular rate for a long time, even with the medication.  They kept talking about that-and I think were a little worried (although a doctor is right there the whole time as your having the test done-just in case you 'code')
As I waited for my heart rate to come back to its normal rate, YHWH told me to do some deep breathing and just close my eyes and relax...breath deep, focus on resting....relax.  Finally, I heard them say...its dropping....HE is so good!

There were no blockages found in the heart!  That is a praise!  YHWH is so good to me, despite all I have went thru, HE is not done with me! (even if some older church friends might think that HE is)

 I have to trust there is no other vessels or arteries outside of the heart area that is clogged- like in the other arteries!

I was told I could go home in the evening.  Thankfully. The PA could not tell me why all of this had happened. I asked her about having had pericarditis years ago and if perhaps that had happened again, she did not know.  So she went to speak with a cardiologist and came back to speak with me.  We talked about all of it for a good hour.

  Here is what I think after all of that:  I believe that maybe perhaps I did have a previous MI, a mild one, at sometime.  Maybe I had it on the day I was arrested? Dont know. And it really does not matter when it happened, just that it did.

 The EKG showed something.  That we are sure of.  But the blood work, if it was an old one, would not be showing anything at this time.

  There was some reason my b/p dropped so low for over a week, and some reason that I had felt the way I did.  Maybe it was not even related to the MI.  Who knows!

And, maybe, just maybe YHWH totally healed me.

I can only pray it is true and I choose to give HIM all of the praise that HE deserves!

Fall things -Fall time-Fall-Fall - and more Fall....

Fall has come and gone.  This year I notice that leaves on the trees (or most of them) have fallen before the actual coldest weather has arrived.  That is good, for the trees.  Or so I have been told.

View during the fall time from our living room

It was beautiful to watch the leaves this fall. Actually the photos do not do the view from our front windows justice. This view is a blessing!

the small pond in the herb garden

Although the weather around here is getting colder, and winter is not far away, today is really not that bad.  The past several days, only about an hour or two away they received from 1 inch to about 8 inches of snow.  We did not get any snow, which I am glad for.  I am really not ready emotionally for winter.  Not looking forward to driving around in it.

Around here, on the farm, I am more ready than I have been in other years.  I  have my gardens cleaned out, the garden boxes are ready for spring.  That is huge for me.  That means in the spring I will only have a little bit of work to do when preparing the garden.  I love that I have finally made it to that point!  Life has been so busy for so long that I have always ran behind at preparing the boxes for the fall.  Maybe because of this, I might be able to finally get my herb garden cleaned up this spring!

Scott and I was able to go out on a date a few weeks ago, a rare thing for us.  He has been working 12 hour shifts for months, and although the extra money has helped pay some bills, the time apart from him is not welcoming.  

So the plant he works in, shut down for opening gun season on deer, (michigan) and that gave him a extra day off.  That Friday we went to Ft Wayne, saw a movie-a first for us for years!  The cost to get into the movie was not bad, but the cost of popcorn and a pop-which we shared-was as much as the tickets to the movie!  There were only about 6 other couples in the movie theater, so we had our choice of seats!  That was nice.

After that we went to our daughter, Nalani's studio.   

Nalani working on the wheel...

We got to work on the potters wheel, and we are not as good at that as I remembered or thought we were, from high school! 

me struggling with putting the wheel together! 

 I was going for a big mug.  I just got it like I liked, then the top part would fall off.  So I thought, ok, a short mug-coffee cup style.  Then it would do the same thing.  I was to the size of a tea cup, when it totally collapsed.  I did this same thing 3 times.  

down to a tea cup! 

was at a mug, then here at a coffee sup size which you can see fell in on the one side! 

 Nalani had to rescue me.

Nalani working on her own wheel and on a project.  

Below are some of Nalanis art work...

After being in the studio for a few hours, we finished up our 'mugs' and cleaned up then took Nalani out to dinner.  I should have called somewhere for reservations, on a Friday night, in Ft wayne, you will wait for about 45 minutes.  

So we went somewhere more simple, Panda Express.  

After dinner,  Nalani went back to the studio, and we went onto a hotel.  We had decided to stay at a hotel so we could enjoy the  pool and hot tub.  The Hot tub was great, turned up hot enough.  But the pool was freezing.  I like cold-but it was too cold even for me!  I could not even walk more than about knee high.  It was so cold that it was cooling my core body temperature too much!  

So we sat on the steps of the pool, disappointed with it being so cold. Unable to enjoy the pool, we just enjoyed the hot tub.  But you can only sit in a hot tub just so long.  When I had made the reservations, I stressed to them the ONLY reason we were staying at a hotel, was for the pool and hot tub.  Other than that, we would not spend the money!  We awoke early and left the hotel for home, about 5 am.  Today was church day.  Scott had begun to feel poorly, prob from the freezing pool-so we did not go to church-again. 

That following monday I called and spoke with the general manager, and asked him what the temperature of the pool is to be set at.  He said he would check the records to what it was set at (on paper) I told him it did not matter what the staff put down on paper, believe me, it was freezing.  He thanked me for letting him know, and said he would follow up on it, that maybe something was not working correctly.  He also gave us a re-do day, of our choice.  I was happy about that.  After we get to have the re-do day, I will let you know in a future post where this hotel is.   I want to honor them, since they obviously are good enough to make sure their customers are happy.  In todays world, that is rare.

My car has bit the dust, the transmission might be going out, which would be a HUGE issue financially.  Things are really changing, and changing fast in my life with certain things and 'work' I do.  Some good, some awful, but then, I have went thru a lot of awful for the last couple of years, so I guess I am use to that!

Yesterday was Hanukkah and we had a dinner here at our home.

Candles were lit, and dinner was served.

We had a good time, all 5 grand children were here, and bad grandma-I did not get a new group photo!  Bummer! 

  

Fall Time

I am posting some photos just for fun that I have taken this year and last year.  Each one with a scripture, or quote-has special meaning to me at one point in my life over the last 2 years.  I also included a few of my nephew who I took some of his graduation photos last fall, and one of a dear friends grand children last fall.  (the 2 girls and young boy).......

Click on the first photo and it will enlarge the photo so you can see it better.
(the first photo is how my hubby and I have felt the past 2 years...)

Enjoy!

Stress....LIFE....and the will to keep going...

Life.  Were all living it, or you would not be reading this.  Your alive.  That says a lot.  Life is not easy for most of us.  Sometimes it is down right difficult, degrading, frustrating, sad, and leaves a person wondering why you should even continue in this life.   I wonder sometimes why I am still here.  I mean, what is my purpose? I thought I knew what it was, but with the past 2 years-I have changed that thought. But the amount of stress in my life has made me wonder....wonder a lot of things.

Do you read the bible?  If you do, then you know some of the basic stories in there I hope.  Can you relate to any of the people?  I can.  I relate to Job.

The past several years for me have gone like this: 

  Financially it has never been easy for us; Scott and I are not rich, but do live a comfortable life compared to some in this world.  We are hard workers.  I garden, I can, we raise our own meat and vegetables, and in the past we even raised some of our own fruit.  (a home we use to live at had fruit trees).  The fruit trees here have not survived well, mostly because the animals kill the tree before it has a chance.  (the were in the pasture, so got to start a whole new planting of trees now-ugg) 

We do not make a lot of money, some people think that we do because of what I do for a living.  I will often have some people try to 'do the math in their heads' when they think "well if you have 'X' amount of women due in a month, then you make  'X' amount in one month......."  

What they do not take into consideration is: costs of supplies, cost of birth equipment and supplies, cost of herbs and tinctures, auto payment, auto insurance, cost of gasoline, auto upkeep-including tires, brakes, -yearly at least one set up to two sets a year per auto, (the truck is available for my use in winter months when there is snow), self employment tax, social security tax, (yes when you are self employed, all of this comes out of the money I take in-so I have to 'save' up for paying it), conferences to earn (CEUs) continuing education units, magazines about what I do, education materials, books (midwifery books are expensive-the most expensive book I own cost almost $200.00)  postage supplies, stamps, other mailings, business cards, office equipment-including staples, paper, ink, pens, stapler, scissors, hole puncher things, paper clips, sticky notes,-those files that you see me carry to your home cost $5.00 to 6.00 EACH just for the file, (not including the copies of all paper work), copies, printing, advertisements, internet access, phone (s), have to keep the home phone too-- attorney fees, (lately that has been a LOT in my business), dopplers, doppler gel, bandaids, and those kind of supplies, blood pressure cuffs (buy new each year), file cabinets, file boxes, storage boxes, storage items, clothing, uniforms, shoes, (all appropriate for what I do), computer and upkeep, copier and upkeep, including ink and paper, fax machine, well I could continue this list, but you get the idea.

here is the reality of it: I need to serve 2 women a month to just break even.  If I do not,  then I go 'in the hole' personally and with the business.  

What I do is a calling, it is a ministry, but it is also a business. It is my livelihood. It is part of who I am, it describes me---but for the financial part of it, I could make more money if I would go back to working as a nurse, really.  I no longer work as a nurse, but I did make more money when I did work as a nurse than I do now.  

We still think about moving away.  Especially after the past several years.  I am tired of the rejection of so called friends, I am tired of the legal crap, I am tired of a lot of what is happening in our life right now. I am just tired. 

So a number of years back, when we were struggling financially-we considered moving.  I saw an add in a midwifery magazine looking for help in a business.  I called the woman, and was told she had someone moving to help her so she no longer needed help.  We talked for a short time, and then that was it.  Well things in my life here, changed over the next several months.   My mom, started to become worse, and was needing a lot more care.  I did not want to move away from her -I felt that GOD wanted me here to be with her in her dying days and felt even though business for me here was not what I needed financially, we would have to stay and just continue to trust the LORD.  Mom needed me here. That was in early spring.

Later in the fall, this woman called me.  She had taken on extra clients anticipating this woman would move to the area and help her, and now, the woman was not moving there. She was wondering if I was still considering moving to the area.  No I was not.  Then she asked if I could come and help her for a few months.  She offered to pay my way there, even if I drove, and offered to pay me to work with her, offered to house me and feed me.  That was a great deal-so off I went for about 2 months. 

So I went to Virginia for 2 months during October and November and I worked with another midwife.    I was away from hubby all that time. But GOD was good and we survived it.  Scott learned to skype although he has since forgotten how!  Everyone there was soooo very nice, and accepting where I was at.  It was beautiful land, and the people, I just can not say enough about how nice everyone was! 

Do you know what it is like to go to a church and heaven forbid you 'sit in someone elses chair?" I do. I have had people comment-even now-in todays world.  Yep.  It still goes on.  I just will sit (in the bleachers at our old church-) or off in a corner because I 'might' sit in someones seat. And I do not want to offend anyone. Well I did NOT feel this in Virginia.  People were so accepting and so very nice.  Maybe it was because I was 'new', but I do not think so.  They were just polite.  Try it, go to your church and watch for a few weeks-see? Do people always sit in the same chair? What does that do for a 'new' visitor? How do they act (the regulars) if someone 'sits' in their seat? Believe me, I have tested this and people get upset! They really do. It is not ok folks.  Your stuck in a rut and then you (I have seen this and experienced it) have an attitude or say things that are hurtful.  Oh then you pretend it was a joke-but remember what is in your heart comes out of your mouth...so do not try to lie and disguise it as a joke.  I guess you see here, it bothers me when people are that way.  It really does.

Rather than making this blog so very long, I will get to the point of things here: (this was suppose to be just about stress)

I was away for 2 months from hubby and family.  We did not get to attend the family thanksgiving that year, and it would be the last one 2 of our family members were at.  When I returned - I began my diet to loose weight-I had tested this diet how it effected me to eat this way, take the injections or use the tincture, before actually going on the diet---for a year----and I did fine so now I began the actual diet and I lost 45 #s.   Our horse we raised from a young colt, we had to put her down.

2 months later, my only brother died from breast cancer. I sat with him as he passed from this life into eternity. PRAISE GOD that he accepted HIS gift of salvation -12 hours before he died. 

I stopped the diet. 

Over the next 3 months, I walked 2 babies to the grave. They never took a breath.  One was a friend who was visiting from out of town, and while here to see her family, her baby died in uterus. I stayed with them as a friend and while at that babies funeral, received a call from a client whose baby stopped moving.  I told her to go to the hospital, and her baby was gone. 

Over the next 9-12 months I would walk 4 more babies to the grave.  All were born with such severe abnormalities that they could not survive in this world.   Does it make it easier? no it does not.  GOD was with me, and those families. That was 5 families (one woman had twins) that I helped.  (All have since had healthy children. )

     I ‘found’ those 45 pounds.  

I decided to work again on the diet.  I went on it for one week and I lost 12 pounds.  My mother, whom we took care of in the home in her remaining years, had a stroke and died. GOD was good and her passing was not too long of suffering.  

  I “found” those 12 pounds.  

My diabetes became worse. (I have since found out all that time--- I was immune to the insulin I had been on)

5 months after my mom passed away, I was arrested for ‘just being a midwife’ ( learned really fast who my TRUE friends were, who I could really count on, and who was not supportive as they always claimed they were.)

I still am waiting for all of that to 'just go away'. My case is 'linked' with a different midwife whom I assisted at a birth.  You are allowed to provide aid and comfort to a woman in labor and that is what I did at that birth. (I have always been allowed to serve women from my church- now that the new bill is thru, I can only hope that things will be different-I can only hope-but the charges are lingering-they are suppose to ‘go away’) 

 I was rejected by a church we had attended since 1986-(except for about 4 years) we were the 'last' remaining couple that had been there the longest-not that I guess that matters but it is a fact.

 With GODs help, we paid off our truck, one medical bill, and another bill, yeah! Less debt!  

I started another birth center (not with my money),  

our roof on our home is still bad

we almost financially lost our home

we are being sued, ---and hopefully that is now worked out-

my doctor keeps messing up on my medications and blood tests  

we were finally after working on this since march of this year, got the payments lowered on our home (was paying out 60% of our income to the bank for the house before that!-but we are still behind 3 months on our house payments)  

The state of michigan investigated me about 6 -7 years ago, just because I am a midwife.  No bad outcome, no complaint.  So I hired an attorney for that (I have employed too many attorneys lately) and was told after they were done investigating, yea, you’re doing nothing wrong, nothing bad.  Now, all these years later-it’s happening again.  Sigh. going to be investigated-again.   I will know more after I have to meet with the investigator. 

My sister has cancer

 Ok: I bet you are thinking, wow, stop complaining Ireena. This probably all sounds like I am complaining, I am not, but that is what I have been dealing with for the past several years. 

I wonder sometimes if GOD hates me. I really do   Then even after saying that and writing it, I hear HIM say no daughter, I do not.   I know HE has not left me, but sometimes it “feels” like it.  

I have been rejected by too many humans, I have been rejected a LOT the last 2 years by people and I just cannot stand it to think that YHWH has rejected me too.  You might say, really Ireena?  Well yes.  If your a friend, do you check on your friends?  Do you invite them over for dinner or call them to check on them?  Over the past 10 years, Scott and I have been invited 3 or 4 times to someones home from where we went to church. Really.  Does that say it for you? that is GODs people.  We use to invite people over all the time, we actually had a goal to invite someone over from the church until we had invited everyone over, every year- and we almost succeeded with that-but we gave up.   People make time for their very best friends, but not for others.  And it continues....This world and HIS church is not doing a good job.  It really is not. 

 I totally understand what Job felt, and I pray and pray, please not my family.  Whatever I am to learn LORD GOD, Let me learn it.  Allow my ears to be open and my eyes see what YOU have for me LORD GOD YHWH. 

How do I keep going?  I try to just focus on what is good --what is not going wrong. I try, but I am human...so often fail more than I succeed.  We have the written word of GOD/YHWH, we have HIS HOLY SPIRIT, we are in a home, have a roof over our house, we have food, we have water, we have beautiful land, we have our family, we have each other (hubby and I ) I have a working auto, my hubby has a job, his truck works fine, we have healthy children and healthy grand children, my daughter in law survived cancer, I am a walking miracle (they have told me many times I should be dead over the past 22 years), I do have 'real' friends, who have never left me thur all of this, very few around where we live, but a number of them across the country-who email and face book with me and they have been a help for us when we have been rejected by others in the physical area where we live.  

I will keep going, because what ever HE has for me yet, I have to accomplish.  

My daily life-what I see as I make my rounds in this     country----all in photos.......