Jail....part 1

Jesus doesn't give us hope by changing the circumstances, HE restores our hope by giving us himself.  And HE has promised us to stay with us until the very end.

WARNING:  This story has very personal things in it.  If you are easily offended about such things, do not read.

I have to believe the quote above, I know that my GOD/YHWH will not leave me.  HE alone gives me hope.  

Sitting in my pajamas with the early morning coffee brewing, it puts the smell of fresh ground coffee in the air. My husband sits beside me, as I check emails…the sun is up.  We are enjoying the green of spring outside of the window as we listen to the birds who greet us with their morning songs.

It is Sabbath.

We make breakfast, a bit late, but enjoy fresh farm eggs, with cheese, mushrooms, onions and peppers.  My husband always fixes me breakfast on the weekend, it is his way to show me appreciation and love.

We hear doors slam.

My husband stands up to look and says, there are cops here. I ask what?

I sit stunned. He goes to the door. I hear him arguing with them and my heart sinks. I will not panic. But I have to think.  But I cannot. I get up and go to the bedroom, and know they will see me as I run past. But my thoughts are- I need to be dressed.

My other thought- I want to disappear. 

I am in my bedroom, I wander. I pace. The door is slightly open, and I hear my husband refusing to "turn me over". I hear the cop argue back.  I do not want them to come in my home by force. So I will have to go, I know that.

I grab my bra, and then think-- I cannot walk into the bathroom, they will see me thru the window. I can’t do that. But I need my personal stuff. I crawl on my hands and knees into the bathroom. I sit on the floor; I have to get 'dressed'-so I put on my bra and underwear. I need a feminine pad. I crawl to the cub-board under the sink and get one.  I do not want to stand up and have them ‘watch me dress’.   It is now I think I wish I would have closed the shades.

My husband comes into the room and asks what he should do. I say I have to go.   I sense he wants time with me, to just sit and hold me because he is afraid.   But we do not have that time.

I put my black pants on, and then choose a black shirt. I wear black a lot, I consider myself to be in mourning because there is too much in this world that is not right.  Too many people are going without and being treated poorly, too many people are hurting, too many people are lost.  So I wear black, to remember to be in prayer for the hurting, needy and lost people.  It reminds me to pray consistently-without ceasing.  I once heard that the singer Johnny Cash did this too, I find that interesting. I have done this for a long time; I am often in black every day.

I sit on the bench at the back door. I ask the police about my medications. I am told, yes I can bring them.

 I ask if I do not bring them, will they provide them for me. I am told: Probably yes, at a cost. Money, what is money at this time of my life I think....I ask to at least bring my insulin. Yes I can- I am told.

They say I need to put them into a plastic bag. I am told I can go get that, but the officer will have to step into the house to be able to ‘see’ me at all times. I look at him then look away –I am quiet for a moment, and I want to say a cuss word, and ask him if he thinks I am stupid, (once you allow them into your home it is like waiving your rights to your home being searched….-they are sneaky.   He does not say: well if you let me in to follow you so I can see you at all times, It also allows me to search your home….Really, do they think I am stupid?)  but instead I just say:  no, I am not allowed to do that.

I wait for my husband to return from getting me a pair of black hose style socks to wear. I place them on and slip my shoes on too, also black.   He goes to get the plastic bag for my insulin.

I ask to take my morning insulin, and am told to go ahead. One officer (ok- they are  playing the good cop bad cop thing,)so the bad cop says, how do we know she will not take too much.  I look at him and shake my head and say, I am not out to kill myself.   I will not ever forget his face. Full of anger and hostility.    I see nothing but hostility and anger.  I think GOD has revealed his heart to me because I am to pray for him.  Right now, that is difficult for me to do. But I tell GOD, yes, I will do that. 

I ask the officer: “do you really have to look at my belly?” as I give myself my morning insulin.   And then I turn and give myself insulin. I tell them it takes a while; I have to wait once it is injected for a minute.

I hand over my meds.

I turn to say good bye to my husband.

I am numb.

I do not feel fear; I do not feel anything at all.

They tell me I will be arrested.  My rights are not read to me.  I ask if I will have bail, I am told yes and I ask what it will be, and I am told they have that information at the jail. (later I find out they lied)  We walk out; I stop, and undo a safety pin that is in my shirt in front, it is holding the shirt together so it is not too low in front.  I do not like cleavage showing, so often I will place a safety pin in the shirt to keep it closed.  They are confused about what I am doing; I mumble it would probably be seen as a concealed weapon.  When we get to the car I ask the cop to check the back of the shirt too, I sometimes put safety pins there too, for the same reason.  He is still confused, but he checks.  He then asks what he is looking for.  I tell him if he does not see a safety pin, there is none there.  Really, do they not listen?

It is like I am in a daze. I am numb.  The ‘good’ cop says he has to place hand cuffs on me. But he says he is double locking them, so they do not tighten up. I ask him if I can continue to hold my Kleenex in my hands, he says yes. I am hand cuffed from the front. He then says he will allow me to sit in the front seat. He says he does not usually do this, but will for me. I think it’s probably so that the little camera in the car can pick up a better shot of me and what I will or may say. 

 We leave.  Again, I feel numb.

I turn to look at my husband who is standing on the back deck talking on the phone.  I wonder who he has called first.  I also wonder when I will see him again. I pray.  GOD tells me to stay strong and rely on HIM-I know, HE has this in HIS hands. 

You know were not to text and drive, right?

 Yet this cop turns to the computer and puts in information steering the car with his knees. Hummm , if I was texting and driving in Indiana, I would get a ticket. A cop can use the computer and drive…no ticket. Double standard.

I pray for my safety as he types on the computer with his knees steering the auto.

I cry

 I hate that the tears are flowing. I do not want this cop, or anyone else to think 'they' have won. Tears make them think that-I am sure. I think of my mom, she would be hurt to know a daughter was arrested all for helping people.  I was raised to help people, taught to help people no matter what.  My parents always helped others, always reached out to others, that is what I was taught.  I think about my mom, and it makes me sad. I think how lonely she was the last year of her life. I hate how the church, and the towns people all ignored her in the end; with only 3 families coming to visit her in the last year and a half…I hate that. I hate that she was lonely and cried to me each time I went to visit her, asking why no one would come to see her or if I was gonna take her to church now.  I am so sad about that and right now, that thought and sadness consumes me.  My church failed me, failed her.  This thought is something that later I will think on, when I find out the truth about many that I thought was my friends/church family. That causes more tears. I tell him I am in mourning, and that accounts for most of the tears. He does not ask me any questions.

I tell him that she died of alchemizer’s. He does not ask me questions.

I want him to know I am a person.  He still remains quiet.

I want to appear to be real and personal to him. He is cold.  

 I am to pray for him.

I ask him how many children he has. Two.

I ask him if his parents are living. Yes.

I tell him to cherish them. He says thank you for that information.

I again, ask him about bail. He says when were there they will have that information.

He lied-again.  Why would I think a police officer would be able to be trustworthy and not lie?

We arrive at the jail. He pulls into a garage. And then they get you out of the car. I guess that is for their safety. Not mine.

I walk into the jail. Another officer removes the hand cuffs then he leaves the area. They tell me to sit down.

I wait.

The other young officer looks familiar to me who sits behind the desk.

I am given clothes by a female officer, who first pats me down-very personally.  The clothes are too small but I am expected to squeeze into them anyway. They hurt my legs and hips. The pants are so very tight.  I am not allowed to wear any underwear or a bra.   I was told to remove the pad I was wearing, and they give me a very tiny one, one that is so short it is probably for a 12 year old little girl’s body-and when I ask how I am to 'use it' since they are not allowing me to wear any underwear I am told just put it in the pants. Right.

I then come back out of the changing room where you might think you were changing privately, but they have a camera in there to watch you. So they watched me change my clothes and also use the toilet that was in there.  I wonder if they get a charge out of that, if they sit and just laugh as they watch people use the restroom.

I am told to sit again. I am asked a lot of health questions. I ask the young officer, do you know M****e? 'Yes he does, it is his mother. Why?  I tell him I am sorry about his father, (who died just this last year) He again asks me how I know him and I tell him ‘I watched you grow up’.  And we went to church together.’ He asks if I still attend there.  I tell him yes. (at the time of writing this, I still considered this to be my home church, but no longer)

I am taken to be fingerprinted. It is on a machine, like a copier. Only he cannot get it to accept my finger prints. I believe it is because GOD is telling me; ‘you're not guilty of anything.’  GOD reminds me: Men will be able to hurt you, but you stay strong, you follow ME, you listen to ME.”   And about the fingerprints HE tells me this:  “You will not be able to be fingerprinted. Because you are innocent.”  

Approx. ten minutes later, the cop finishes. Each finger print and each palm print that was rejected, he had to type things in manually.

 Thank you GOD for your ability to allow me to smile during all of this.

I am escorted to a cell. 10 blocks by 5 blocks. It has a thick steel bed, and a 1 foot by about 8 inch table which is also steel that is bolted to the wall. The steel seat for the table is also bolted to the wall. All three are dirty.  Not just dirt, but sticky yuk-gross.

 Hepatitis lives for 7 days on dried yuk. At least the aids virus dies when the 'yuk' is dry, but hepatitis….I am at risk if the person that was in here before me had that or some other disease.  I have been in situations during mission work, and GOD protected me, I pray now to HIM and ask HIM to protect me now.

I look up into the corner, there is the camera, they can watch me dress, undress, use the toilet, eat, sleep, what ever.  I wonder if the men cops get a charge out of that. Gross.

I am brought a bed roll.  A thin mat, with a towel and a blanket in side.  The mat is dirty, with dried food on it that falls out as I unroll it.  The towel has holes in it and appears so old and is gray (it appears that it used to be white) I bravely smell it, thinking if it smells bad-it is dirty.  It has no smell that is bad, so hopefully it is clean, and just old.  The blanket, well it is full of holes and is so raggy and thin, fraying badly.  It is not big enough to cover one of my grandchildren. It is also thin enough to see thru it.

The not knowing, the not knowing if it is day or night time, not talking to anyone, not being able to read anything, or write down my thoughts.  That is difficult.
I sit quietly.
Alone in the cell.
In silence.

I am thirsty.

I want a drink and look at the sink, there is a drinking fountain on it.

 I notice in the sink, there is phlegm. A huge chunk of thick phlegm, very sickening gross. I run the water for a long time, as I try to wash it down, but it will not go. I have no glass for a drink.  I am expected to drink out of this sink, it has a fountain, but with the phlegm that was on it first-I am just not sure.  I have nothing else to do, so I work to get the thick phlegm to wash off from the fountain and down the drain…., it will not wash down the sink because it is too thick.  But eventually I get it off the fountain part, and after running water over the fountain for a long time, hoping that the germs from the phlegm is washed off-I take a drink.

Each time they come in, I ask for a bible, I ask for clothes that are larger, and I ask about my insulin.  They have not fed me lunch, and I have not had my noon insulin.  I receive no answers or the items that I had asked for.

My leg is swelling where the pants are too tight.  I try to sit to get pressure off from the leg, it does not help.  Standing does not help either.  It hurts.

 They will not bring me a bible.  They will not bring me lunch, nor my insulin nor other clothing.  I have asked 4 times at least through out the day- so far.

The pants continue to cut off my circulation in the bad leg and knee I had surgery in. My lower leg is beginning to swell and I have +1 pitting edema now.

I have asked each time they come in for whatever reason I again ask for different size pants. I have asked each time for a bible or some paper and a pencil. I have also asked for a cup to get a drink of water.  I wonder again about lunch –even though I am not hungry, I need to maintain my blood sugar at an ok safe level, which means protein and healthy foods every 2-3 hours.  Snack like.  Plus my insulin-I need that.

I wait.

I do not know how long I have been here.

I am told when I ask, no there is no bail set not until you see the judge.

I was lied to.

That means I am in here for about 48 hours or more. My heart sinks. I wonder if I can make it. I know I can, but my leg? I will be in big trouble if it goes that long.   I cry. The rough toilet paper is hurting my nose. I am not sure if I can handle that. No lotion either.  I can do ok sleeping on this hard bed with a dirty mat and thin blanket, and NO pillow-but rough toilet paper to blow an already sore nose? It would be ok to use for everything but for blowing a nose that is so sore for allergies and now crying too much.

I have a migraine, the kind that makes you ill….I pray, I cry and I pray. I listen for that still small voice...but I hear nothing-so I pray again, and then I focus.  I Need to just be still-be silent-and listen-then I hear YHWH say to me----rest daughter. 

I have a headache. It is my blood sugar which is too high from the stress,  I know that.  This is how I feel when it is so off.  

I press my neck against the very cold cement blocks and I close my eyes. 
Rest.....

To be continued...

  To Read part 2, Look under the month of August...

The Life of a busy person ....

My Life....
 My life revolves around everyone else...

Life is never dull, I sort of wish it was really.  In order to plan personal time, I actually have to plan to go away.  If I am here-in the area- I am available to help anyone.  It is who I am, it is what I do.  I am asked questions all the time for help, health wise-for pregnant women, non pregnant women, for children, even for health of men.  I do not mind-again it is what GOD has called me to-it is who HE has made me to be- I would be in sin to not do what HE has called me to do!  People want help understanding how to use herbs, essential oils and how to make health changes that will improve their over all health.  

We currently have snow here.  About 8-12 inches depending on where your at.  The temperature is from -5 to zero....so its cold!  

Our garage, a 2-1/2 car garage, is so full-we could not get the autos into it!  I had my car in the garage last year, and feel with what I do-needing to be able to leave at a moments notice-my car needs to be in a garage during the winter.  I do not have the time to defrost the car from snow and ice for 15-20 minutes before leaving!

So finally after moving some stuff around in the garage, my husband made some room for my car.  Now, I have to say-the stuff in the garage, most of it-is wood for the building projects we did not get done this fall, and we can not have that wood outside...some of it is exterior wood, but it can warp if out in the weather---and its too expensive so....its in the garage instead of the autos.  Lots of other stuff in there too....

So now- my car is in the garage....

This last weekend, I knew I would be called out......so it was about 10 pm, and I asked my husband ---who had parked his truck in front of the garage door where my car was at...not on his side of the garage/driveway, but my side...if he wanted to get up at about 2 am to move his truck or move it now.  He choose to go out and move it now. 

Ok, all set for a phone call -- I take note that the car is parked sort of crooked in the garage. 

Now in the car, car starts great, no frost or anything to deal with. Remember that I said  I notice that the car is parked crooked?  I figure he did that so it could fit in the garage with all the stuff.  

Problem now is:  to angle the car to get out the garage door, and avoid the truck-- that is still partly in front of my side of the garage and also avoid the gas grill that is out side the garage, but in between the two doors, hummmm  

I should have moved the truck.  

 Backing out, I am looking to the passengers side to be sure I am missing the truck and I hear a  'crunch'. 

Looking to the drivers side...yes, my mirror is now hanging by the electrical cords...great.  Pull forward. 

frustration now changes to being mad.

Continue to back out... paying a bit more attention to the drivers side since it is parked so crooked and It appears to have more of a chance to hit on that side....I feel like I have hit something now on the passengers side.  Great.  Probably hit either the truck or the grill.  

Put car in park.

Get out and check the damage.

Nothing.  I did not hit anything except for a huge pile of snow that stopped my car from going anywhere....I can deal with that one.

After a number of 3-point turns (so no longer considered a 3 point turn is it?!)  the car is finally out of the garage...only about 6 inches from the truck.  Glad I do not have to get into the passengers side of the door!

I had the drivers side door sort of open so now shut it.  It bounces back open.  Not good.  Shut it again. It bounces back open again.  It frozen.  It has done that since it was replaced after the deer ran into my car last year and I had to have the door replaced.  It is a 'used door' to save money.  Great.

Now I am very mad.

I get out and go to the house door, I left my keys to the house in the car, and I am now 'locked out.' I could have picked up the keys, but remembered I locked the door only when I get to the door...

I pound on the door, kick at the door --all to make a lot of noise to see if my husband can hear me (he is sleeping in the bedroom with the door closed) but yes, he hears me!  amazing!

He comes to the door, (in his underwear only) and opens the door looking very sleepy.  I yell.  I am not being the quiet wife right now...failed miserably.  

I tell him due to 'him' parking the car crooked and parking the truck partially in front of my side I now have a mirror off from my car (nothing is my fault is it?)  and now my car door will not shut (again, blaming him) and I have to leave.  

So he puts on his old big barn boots, and a heavy winter coat and comes out side.   What a site, and what a husband to be willing to go out into sub zero weather with underwear on and a coat and boots.  

He tells me to take the truck.  Duh.  I probably should have figured that one out myself.  But wanting to save money (its about double to drive the truck with the gas money) I did not want to unless I really had to.  I guess I really had to.

  Praying for for my attitude.

  Asking GOD for forgiveness and  to be with my husband, and to help me with my anger right now and telling HIM that I AM thankful for the truck. I am also very thankful for a forgiving husband who respects the calling I have, and understands the stress that I can often be under, and he deals well with it all.  He sees GOD's hand in all of this work I am privileged to be involved in, and supports it well.  He puts up with a lot. 

 Sigh.  I know better, and need to be thankful for all things and in all things.  I need to not be angry that my car now needs work -again.  It usually always-need a lot of work to keep going with all of the driving I do.  I am also thankful that one of our sons is now beginning to work as a mechanic, and I alone will probably keep him in business.  (good for him). 

How often we fail in this world. Maybe if I would have this videotaped, it would win on funniest home videos.  Two old people in the snow, one jumping around yelling, and the other in underwear and a winter coat, and winter boots....

A Vacation

on the beach

In the above photo, it is hard to see, but I am a bit off the ground.  Not much, the photographer caught me in the air-but  just as I was coming back down.  Watching the sun rise that morning was peaceful, and thought provoking.  GOD is good, HE alone can paint the sky a beautiful color, allow it to reflect in the waters below...
...this photo was taken by a dear friend while we were on the beach at the Christian Midwives Conference in the year of 2010, in South Carolina...

Well, life continues ...it has been several weeks since my mother has passed away.  It is unbelievable -thinking from the human way to think-that I will never see her again while I am living on this earth.  It has been 19 years since my dad passed, and it is easier with all the time that has passed, but thinking about him being gone can still can make me cry.

It has been a difficult year.  Too many deaths.     The beginning of this year, my only brother died....I was able to be with him as he passed into eternity.  Thankfully he accepted Christ prior to his death...just 12 hours before he died.  

To have a brother and a mother die...well to not admit my frailness, would be a lie. 


Scott and I went to Colorado in July, for the Christian Midwives Conference.  But it was a working vacation for me.  The drive out, we almost over heated (him and I-not the truck thank GOD) it was during that extreme heat time the country experienced.  

When I am at the conference, it is all about work. Even though the area is nice, it is still about work.  We took a couple of days after the conference, but not as many as we wanted.  While at the conference, there were a few things that we had to do/spend money where we had not planned and thus had to take it from our budget for our vacation.  So we went home sooner than we had planned.  Taught me a lesson to be a bit more bold with some people so this would not happen again.  Lessons are always learned. 

So that was a working vacation for me, but Scott was able to relax well.  I am thankful for that.  But me-I need a break.
I planned on a road trip with a friend and my sister.  We were to go to see my friend who moved to South Dakota.  The one friend backed out-I just could not get a commitment from her.  And my sister and I could not afford to go with out a third person to help share the costs. 


What I have to do is continue to depend on HIM for my rest, resting on the sabbath and really resting.  Since my vacations do not come often enough!  


  

Sukkot and the Little Midwife part 4

Mom, giving the midwife one of her famous winks!

The little Midwife learned what it was like living in a booth, or also called-a temporary dwelling. She 'lived' in about 5 different dwellings this past week. Her home, her mother's home, 2 different client’s homes, and her sisters home-often she was there late at night even after their mother passed away as they prepared for her funeral.

She learned what it is like to be living in a temporary dwelling, but not the simple one like described in the scriptures. Perhaps another year she will learn about that. But for now, she had lived without knowing where she would sleep, or while during her travels, where she would get to rest, or if she would even get to rest. And as for eating, where and when she would get to eat...

She did not get to rest as others did during this time but GOD still taught her many things, even more than she has shared with others...some of it was for her only and some of it, just too personal to share during this sad time.  Maybe someday she would be able to share it, but for now….it was in her heart…safely tucked away…

It was a long week, but she did make it thru with the LORD GOD YHWH by her side all week.

She will not forget touching her mother’s hair, and stroking her hair as she told her how much she loved her. She will not forget how that felt. She will not forget how it felt to hug her mother, or just to hold her. She will never again know how it feels for her mom to hug her back, or to look into her mother’s eyes and see the love there. Even behind the veil of Alzheimer's, she could see the love in her eyes....

Her mother had been like an innocent child the past year's, living with Alzheimer's, she had trusted all of those who cared for her so.....innocent to what was going on out in the world....tucked away safely in her own home....

Now she envisioned her mother at the feet of YESHWEH MESSIAH and GOD THE FATHER. Enjoying the fellowship with them, and those who went on before her.

She wondered if GOD would take her mother out fishing. Her mother liked to fish…She wondered if fishing was even allowed in heaven.   IF it was allowed, she figured GOD would be the one rowing the boat….

She thought- mom with GOD and relaxing in the boat out on a lake...simple sweetness of being with GOD...

Sukkot and the Little Midwife part 3.

Then on the day we call tuesday, she got a call late in the after noon about her mother. She was getting worse. She was in pain. The hospice nurse had been called to come. After gathering things she would need to spend the night and a few days with her mother, the little midwife left for her mothers house.

She would be spending the night with her mother. Tonight at sundown, a high Holy Sabbath would begin. She knew that the church family would be packing up to leave the little camp ground.  The little midwife did not dwell on this now.

The nurse came; but the little midwife did not listen like the hospice nurse did to her mother’s chest and the beating of her heart.  She had already done that this past week. She did not take her blood pressure -instead she just sat there --being a daughter.  She knew from listening before that her mother’s heart was not beating well...she had already listened to the abnormal beating of her mother’s heart….she knew by what she was hearing that her heart was failing.  She did not want to listen again...

She did not want to be a nurse today; today she just wanted to be a daughter…

For the little midwife, the nurse in her was quietly tucked away deep inside somewhere-hiding, this was to allow her to grieve. 

 The hospice nurse called to get medicine to help with her mothers pain. The little midwife watched her mother breath heavily, breath fast. She counted 46 a minute which was very fast. Her mother was in pain and struggling....

It was the middle of the night, and the hospice nurse was trying, fighting the hospice doctor, who was an angry doctor for being awakened in the middle of the night.  The hospice nurse was fighting to find a pharmacy to open up at this late hour to get the medicine the doctor who was angry -had ordered.

Finally all was done, and the medicine was on the way. It would arrive later, the midwife and her family sat beside her mothers bed, talking quietly. When it arrived they gave her some of it right away, it was to help with the pain and slow her breathing. But it did not slow her breathing. The little midwife and her sister who was also a nurse, took care to make their mother more comfortable, positioning her carefully. Then everyone but the little midwife left for the night.

The little midwife was sitting on the mattress she had pulled out to the floor, looking at her mother. The little midwife was so tired, and her flesh cried out for rest, cried out to just lay down onto the mattress on the floor and rest. She had lost so much sleep this past 7 days from births and her mothers care. She thought of the little cabin, but did not dwell on that, knowing she was where she needed to be right now.

The little midwife prayed to GOD to help her to stay up with her mother like she did at births.  She fought with her 'flesh', fought her urge to sleep and she thought, I can stay up at a birth; I have to stay up with my mom. The little midwife knew in her heart this would be the last night on earth for her mother, the Little Midwife knew this to be true.   She wanted her mother to have a familiar face to see---when she opened her eyes during the night.

She read scripture to her-from psalms. She read and read...

But thou OLORD art a shield about me, My glory and the lifter of my head....Psalm 3:3

Give ear to my words O LORD, consider my groaning. Heed the sound of my cry for help, my KING and my GOD, for to THEE do I pray. In the morning O LORD, thou wilt hear my voice; in the morning I will order my prayer to THEE and eagerly watch...Psalm 5:1-3

then she beganto sing...

Thy Word is a lamp unto my feet and a light unto my path...

When I feel afraid, think I've lost my way

Still your there right beside me

Nothing will I fear, as long as you are near.

Please be near me to the end.

I can not forget your love for me and yet,

my heart forever is wandering

YHWH be my guide, hold me to your side,

I will love you to the end.

Then she sang the song amazing grace to her mother...

As she sang and read scripture, her mother relaxed. The little midwife asked her mother if she was in pain, and her mother said yes. So the midwife gave her mother one more dose of pain medicine, more water to drink and made sure she was positioned comfortably and then she sat beside her bed. Soon her mother would close her eyes and rest. She rested for 3 hours, and so the little midwife also rested.

The midwife never really went to sleep, as she had done with the woman in labor-she rested with out falling asleep. This was so she could lay there listening to her mother breath. Her mother was still breathing fast, but the little midwife took comfort in the sound of her mothers breathing...as long as she could hear her -she knew she was still alive.

She thought of the story her niece had told her.  Last week her niece had witnessed the midwives mother (who is the nieces grandmother) starring for a long time up into the corner of the room, without blinking. She asked her: “grandma, what are you looking at?” and after a long pause, she said: 'GOD.'  The niece said, “up in heaven,” and she answered-‘no, right here in the room.’

The little midwife knew that GOD had been telling her own heart for months now that she should prepare for her mother’s passing...that it would be happening soon.

Finally the sun was coming up, as morning came, more family came to visit. A long time family friend came too and spent over an hour visiting with the midwife.

Later the hospice nurse came to see her mother, she would give her mother her last bath...just a gentle bed bath, and make her mother comfortable with the other sisters help. During this time, the little midwife would leave to go to the doctor in town with her husband.

Before she left she bent down to her mother and whispered in her ear that she had to leave for awhile, but she would be back. She told her mother that it was ok to go see the LORD GOD while she was gone if she was ready. She told her that she loved her so very much...and she would miss her, but it was ok.

When that appointment with the doctor was over, the little midwife would go back to her mothers home. She spent another hour there and then had to leave again. More family members were on their way to sit for the day.

The little midwife bent to whisper once again in her mothers ear-telling her she loved her very much, so very much. She told her that it was ok to leave and go home to see GOD, to go see her husband, the little midwives daddy-and to see the little midwives only brother who had just passed on only 9 months before.  (he was her mothers oldest child, and only son). She reminded her mother that they and others were all waiting for her in heaven...
~she told her that if she was still here after she got back from her errand, she would see her again, but if she had to go now, before the little midwife returned to the house, it was ok... she understood, and that she loved her very much.

After the Midwife left her mothers home, her mother immediately began to stop breathing for several seconds and up to a minute. Seven minutes later after that began; she would enter eternity to spend 'forever' with the LORD GOD.  

It was not meant that the little midwife be there when she left this earth. 

She was driving in her car, something she did a lot with the work she did…  When she had left, she knew that her mother would be gone before she returned to her mother’s home. Tears flowed freely... she was very sad, but she did know that her mother had heard her words of love and encouragement, it was ok. She had spent the time with her all night, and she knew her mother was ready to die. 

The little midwife had midwifed her mother into eternity. 

When the midwife returned later to her mothers home...she looked at her mothers lifeless body on the bed, the little midwife would now know what it was like to not have parents...

The little midwife knelt beside her mothers bed, she leaned in and whispered 'oh momma'...she reached for her mothers still lifeless hand, and held it... 
....she let the tears flow as she wept...

Sukkot and the Little Midwife part 2

The little midwife sat with her mom all day, she enjoyed this time just looking at her mom, knowing in her heart that this would be one of the last days she would get to spend with her mother like this. She tried to memorize each look her mother gave, each smile...storing those memories in her heart. Her mother slept and she watched her sleep. This was the woman who raised her, who had help to make her who she was today. She had taught her many things, some she did not even know were important until this time of her life as she watched her mothers life slip away.

The woman from the hospice care service, would come and give her mother a bath...a simple thing and so personal. The little midwife would continue to sit with her mom, as she watched her sleep.

That evening the midwife would go home to a dark empty house...her husband at work, she quietly ate her supper alone...

It was night and except for the moon-it was dark, the little midwife went out to the deck and stood looking at the stars in the sky. She remembered a night almost 18 years ago, when she received the news that her father had went home to the LORD. She had stood under the same stars then, and gazed at their light.  Some things GOD made are the same for ever and ever and other things are ever changing....
~after getting ready for bed, the little midwife snuggled down into bed, closed her eyes and sighed.

Her eyes opened with the ring of the phone only 20 minutes later. Someone was ready to have her come to their home to help with the birth of their little baby. She hurried out the door into the dark cool night and drove to the couples home. It would be a long night as she helped this couple. No sleep except for a few short hours, since Wednesday night. It was now Friday night. The midwife was tired...she rested on the small love seat in the couples home, unable to even stretch out her tired legs, listening to the sounds of the mother in labor as she breathed thru each contraction. Listening to the sounds of the husband snoring she found herself wishing it was her resting and snoring right at that time. Content to rest only, she became the guardian of the birth. 
    All night long this went on...guardian....

The little midwife watched the sun come up through the windows and the house hold come to life with the dawn of the day.

Hours later, before Noon, the midwife said to the couple, it was time to go to the hospital. The little midwife drove the couple to the hospital, and there a kindly doctor took over her care. But the midwife did not leave the woman’s side. She stayed with them for hours -until they decided to take the woman for surgery....

The midwife was sad for the natural birth that would never take place, but she rejoiced for the healthy baby and mother. It was the right thing to do to bring the couple into the hospital. Sometimes you have to. 

She rejoiced for the help from the doctors and nurses. And when she knew that everyone was safe, the little midwife went home to her husband. He wrapped his arms around her and let her cry. Cry for the woman and for the natural birth that did not happen, cry for her own mother -who she knew was dying...

The little midwife knew she would miss the evening service with her church family, a special one-
~she knew that for what ever reason, GOD did not have that in HIS plan for her to attend.

The husband took his midwife /wife out for dinner and after the meal was over, drove her home and held her as she drifted off to sleep...

 It was a restless sleep, but she slept.  She awoke-opening her eyes and looked around.  Where was she?  It took a moment for her to come out of the dream world and remember where she was, even who she was.  She wanted to go back to her dreams, it was safe there...and her mother had been there-and she was not dying...

She got up out of bed and slowly got ready...then she drove to the camp and the little cabin and picked up her things. No one even noticed her as she made trip after trip to carry her things to the car. No one even noticed that she had even been there. She stood in the cold cabin, listening to the gentle rain on the roof. She felt a coldness, and wondered if anyone really cared about her or if they only cared about....being 'religious'  ~~No one had called her, they knew what she was going thru this week, but yet- Here she was, alone. She thought about how sweet it would be to just lay down in there and rest allowing GODs gentle sounds of the rain ~sing her to sleep. 
Instead, she quietly drove away, the rain flowing from the heavens like her tears flowed from her eyes...she thought how she wanted to stay and hide in the cabin, away from what was happening in her life.

The rest of that day and the next several days were a blur to her.  Very little food was eaten by her and the nights were late, late nights to go home into bed.

During this time of Sukkot, the people of Israel was to remember their time in the wilderness. They were to spend time carefully building a booth, it was built under special instructions, using special materials.

The little midwife thought about her booth, it was suppose to be the cabin, but now? It was where ever she was at... 
~her booth this week was at 2 different women's homes who had given birth it was also at her mothers home...She had 3 booths she was staying at...and she was alone~

The little midwife thought how she would not get to stay in her cabin.

She thought about how her booth was ever changing- daily this week it's location changed. She was actually wandering during this week, wandering in a wilderness- like the children of Israel did for 40 years....from one booth to another...never knowing each day where she would be, where she would end up, what she would eat, when she would eat, or even if she would get to eat at all for that matter. She did not know if she would sleep, when and where she would rest her head...

She was not in a stable booth, where she could remember the wilderness~

She was in the wilderness and all alone.

Except for GOD.

She knew HE would continue to guide her...

Sukkot and the Little Midwife... part 1

“Also in the fifteenth day of the seventh month, when ye have gathered in the fruit of the land, ye shall keep a feast unto the LORD seven days: on the first day shall be a sabbath, and on the eighth day shall be a sabbath. And ye shall take you on the first day the boughs of goodly trees, branches of palm trees, and the boughs of thick trees, and willows of the brook; and ye shall rejoice before the LORD your God seven days. And ye shall keep it a feast unto the LORD seven days in the year. It shall be a statute for ever in your generations: ye shall celebrate it in the seventh month. Ye shall dwell in booths seven days; all that are Israelites born shall dwell in booths: That your generations may know that I made the children of Israel to dwellin booths, when I brought them out of the land of Egypt: I am the LORD your God” (Lev.23:29-43)

This was a time when the Jews traveled to Jerusalem to worship in the temple and to offer sacrifices and offerings to the LORD. This is a time of thanksgiving as we acknowledge GOD's provision for us. It is to be a happy time, a time of celebration and of joy and rejoicing. We are to remember how GOD delivered Israel from Egypt, and for the 40 years they wandered in the wilderness and lived in tents and worshiped at the tabernacles / booths which were made as instructed by GOD in Leviticus 23:42. For 7 days you were to live in this booth, as a reminder of the days in the wilderness. Two things characterizes the feast of tabernacles from other feasts. One is the illumination of the temple and the other is the pouring of a vessel of water into a basin that was located at the base of the altar.

The Feast Of Tabernacles / Sukkot-was coming!

The little Midwife was so excited.  She would get to spend the week with her church family, and relax.  Something she rarely gets to do.  The feast is a great time of rejoicing, praising the LORD GOD YA for all HE has done and will do for her, and remembering where she has come from.  She had a dwelling place, not made as described in the WORD of GOD, but one of wood, that was rustic.  Just what her soul longed for -to be away from the world, in a simple place for the week. She looked forward to watching the stars above in the night sky (in the description of building a booth you are told to leave space to be able to see the stars thru the construction). She looked forward to the nights of sitting before a fire and listening to the night sounds of the wind in the trees, the birds and the insects.  She looked forward to those songs of the night wrapping around her as she drifted off to sleep.

 The little Midwifes husband would get to join her on the weekend.  She was happy about this as she has hardly seen him lately.   His boss at his work --has him working nights, so he sleeps during the day when the midwife is away from her home to see women in the land that are expecting a baby soon. 

This was to be a joyous week! 

The first day they were to camp, she knew she would not get there until just at sundown, which is a Holy Sabbath.  So as she worked all day, she planned to hurry and go to what would be her dwelling place for the week. That day of work, during her lunch time she took her bedding and supplies to the little wooden cabin.  Before that and after that, she went from one happy momma to the next as she gave them their special time of hearing the baby's heartbeat, and listening to each woman tell her all about their week.  She asked them how they were eating, she always makes sure they are getting the food, water and sleep they need. She even saw a new person today, pregnant with her second child, and she saw 3 women whose babies were already born, just to see how they were doing.  With everyone, all was well.  She then she saw 3 more women who are all waiting on their babies to be born-they too are all well.  The little midwife had driven hundreds of miles today....The little midwife finished her visits in time to drive back to the little cabin just as the sun was going down. 

She would not get to stay there tonight; she would need to go home to be with her husband when he came home from work.  But she could sit by the fire for a while this evening before she had to drive home.  Once the stars were out in the sky, and the large full moon was above the tree tops- it would be time for her to drive home...

The next day, day #1- the little midwife would be able to go to the little cabin in the afternoon.  She would again, not get to stay the night, but would get to enjoy the evening with the church family by the fire and once again as the stars came out and the moon rose above the tree tops, she would drive home to be there for her husband.  That evening the little midwives mother was on the midwives heart....she was a bit restless about this, as she knows GOD speaks to her this way....She asked for prayer about the work she does with helping women at birth, but she failed to ask for prayer for her mother.  That weighed heavily on her heart as she drove home... 

So on the next day, day #2, she would need to see 2 women who were waiting on their babies to be born.  Then when she was done with their visits, she could go to the little cabin in the woods and rest. She looked forward to resting but also to spending time praising GOD with her church family.

Her husband thought he would go today too. He would go and enjoy the woods and beauty of the changing trees until he had to go to work in the evening.  

 But early that morning her little phone rang, and as she listened her sister told her their mother had just had a stroke.  The midwife knew she would need to go to see her mom.  So she got up and ready, went to see her 2 ladies who were due to have a baby....trying to hurry them with their appointment because she was worried about her mother, she told them she was needing to get to her mother and what had happened to her...but the women, were as usual, enjoying their visit with the midwife, and they did not hurry....The little midwife was patient with them as she needed to be….but her heart felt divided…..

The midwife finally made it to her mommas house, she and her sisters waited for the people who help --to arrive.  They would bring a special bed and supplies to help them to take better care of their mother.  This made the little midwife very happy.  She was with her mother all day, until the evening when she went home to wait for her husband to come home from work.  She did not sleep at all, but sat up waiting....her husband comes home very late, after midnight.  That night he was working even later, and the midwife still waited.  But before he would come home, her phone rang.  Someone would have a baby tonight.  The midwife left her home and out into the cold night to help the woman have her baby.

 She thought, maybe she would not get to be at the little cabin during the next day as she wanted to.  As she sat waiting on the birth of the baby she thought how she would miss the time praising the LORD GOD with her church family.   She began singing the following song: 

~LORD we have come, to this birth where we love to sing your praises.

~We lift this mom, and the babe to you the KING of all the ages.

~Hear me LORD I pray, come YHWH come, keep this baby safe.

~And meet us here, meet us here LORD.

~We are few, we are strong when you surround us

~Meet us here, meet us here LORD. As we birth, in your name-meet us here.

She did not get back home until after the sun was up the next morning...she would lay down for a few hours, getting almost 3 hours of sleep before she would get back up to go to her mother’s home. It was now day #3 of the feast...

 So the next day the midwife went back to her mother’s house and waited for the people who gave them the bed-- to come back so they could all talk again. 

She was there all day again.  She was very tired. A few hours of sleep was not enough.  She thought of those who were at the camp, who were spending their time before GOD praising him..., she missed the special time with her church family praising GOD...  She thought about the pouring out of the vessel of water...
The little midwife knew what it was like to pour herself out like that...