CHANGES--and my thoughts this morning...

Do you know about how a butterfly becomes a butterfly?

Most do not. It begins as what some would call a worm.  But it is not a worm. It is a Larva.

this is the black swallowtail larva.  Nickname the parsley worm.  It eats parsley, parsnips, carrots, dill, and fennel plants.
This one is in its third stage of Instar.  

The word Larva is a noun. It means:

"the active immature form of an insect, especially one that differs greatly from the adult and forms the stage between egg and pupa, e.g., a caterpillar or grub."

Some Larva are very colorful others not so much. At the Larva stage they crawl on the ground, crawl over plants, -it must not be too easy to get around.  It takes them a very long time to get from point A to point B.

I wonder do they look up and when they see butterflies and other flying insects flying around, do they think 'I wish I could move that easily around'.  Do they dream about not being on the ground, being a 'worm'?  It is the way we are as humans, we see others that seem to be above us, looking more beautiful and we often think, why are we stuck here?

People usually call all larva 'worms' using the word worm is a put down. That would mean that all worms and earth worms are bad thing.  Earth worms are wonderful, and do a great job for our soil! The earth worm has a very soft body and it can make its way through hard soil, changing the soil to a type of compost that helps to feed plants. That is impressive!

 This soft body worm is protected in the ground, but if it is close to the surface, becomes vulnerable to being eaten by birds. So to survive it stays in the soil, hidden. Did  you ever see worms out on the cement/sidewalk when it is raining? They seem to be enjoying the rain.  Maybe it is like a shower for them.  But when it is no longer raining, and if they are stuck on the cement, they can dry out and die. Do you rescue them?  I would. They are a valuable source for our environment and so saving them from drying out is a good thing.   Do you ever feel like that after something good has happened in your life-(like the rain shower for a worm)? Something good happening, then wam! Your stuck in something you did not expect (the worm stuck on the dry cement).

 As I mow in the summer, I always am careful of avoiding plants that may have larva on them. Yes I am looking at plants all the time, and if I see larva, I allow that plant to stand as it is to feed the larva. I have several spots that butterflies seem to always lay their eggs and I have seen a plant with 10 to 20 larva on it!

Butterflies help with pollination so I encourage them to survive on my land!

I like watching the larva go through their various stages of growth.  So each year I will collect one or two and place them in a jar with their food/plants.  You have to replace the food often, refreshing those plants!  Provide a stick or something firm for the larva to attach itself to when it is ready to go into the chrysalis stage.

black swallowtail larva going into the chrysalis stage.

this is after it is done, notice the color change

And now I wait. 

This is what I will be witness to see:

I wonder about people.  We seem sometimes to be in the larva (worm) stage, and thus, are often put down by others. As we crawl around in our lives, we encounter those who are flying around above us, seemly to be better off than us.  We look at their lives and think, they have it so good.  If only.....

We often do not notice that our job, our existence, is just as important as those beautiful flying butterflies. No, instead we look at the soil we are in or the same plant we are on all the time, and think-we have no meaning.  Why am I here?  What is my purpose? Will I be stuck on this same  plant (aka same job, same home, same location of the country, same -- -fill in your own words here). 

If we are the 'earth worm', we look at the same job everyday, or the same life we are living --and it seems we have no variety, nothing new in our lives. And then a rain comes, and we venture out of our known familiar area to the refreshing feel of the rains. It is different than the dry soils, and we are refreshed!  But shortly after that refreshment, if we do not venture back to our home, if we try to linger just a little longer than we should, we find our-self stuck on the cement and no way to get back to the soil/home.  We die...slowly. 

Does this happen to you when your life is going along just so so, and then something happens and you feel so refreshed you just want to linger there for a little while...lingering is not always the healthy thing to do...

We need to know when it is time to move on, even if it means moving back the the familiar not so happy life.  If it is where we are suppose to be, remember what ever your job is --it is important. 

I say hang in there, if you are in the larva stage now, you will go into a chrysalis and come out a butterfly...yes, you will...

But when you do, remember those still in the larva stage, or who are earth worms, they too have their  spot in this world.  Do not fly over them in a haughty way, instead encourage them as you fly around their plant they are feasting on. Encourage them when you see them out in the rain being refreshed, that they need to not linger, but go on to their job because it is  important but is is also the healthy thing for them to do for their own lives. 

 Encourage them to just hang on a little bit more....

life will change

life will change

they will change

Depression: Despair: and How to Help Someone, and NOT Make it Worse!

Ugg.
Yes that is what I say-Ugg.  This society judges people when they are depressed, or at the end of their 'rope'.  I have seen it and over the past 2 and 1/2 years personally having experienced it more often than a human being should.
Then there are those who make it worse because of their judgement which is often just awful!
No one knows how hard a person tries, no one knows what is going thru a persons mind as they struggle with life's ups and downs.  And remember, no one knows when their comments and their attitude or disrespect or lies will be the thing that pushes a person over the edge.  Have you ever 'heard' a person who has cried out for help? When they do-- what do you do?  How do you act? What do you do?  What do you say? Becoming angry with them for having a weak moment and wanting to give up, does not do them any good.  Telling them to get over it does not do any good.  Telling them that others have it worse off than they do does not do any good.  Telling them that it will eventually get better  does not do them any good.    You can always compare their life and someone elses trying to make them feel better, but why? Does that serve a positive purpose?  Does that build up the person who is struggling or does it just pile more guilt onto them?  Ya maybe there is someone going thru something much worse, most likely there is-- at least somewhere in this world.  But comparing that persons troubles to what the person you are talking with -trying to help-that comparing does NOT help them it actually causes more damage.
Here is how to really help a person in trouble:
GO over to their home, talk to them, do their dishes, sweep their floors, help with a payment on a bill, take a casserole, fill their autos gas tank, wash their car, weed their garden, mow their lawn, take them out for dinner.....all things to help them, not create more stress.

Then we have the person who wants to quote scriptures- ones that only pile on the guilt.  Ok, as a believer I do know that YHWH has scripture enough to help with everything in life, but sometimes, you need to leave this job to the HOLY SPIRIT-and not try to be the persons holy spirit-- GOD/YHWH is a big god and can handle HIS job just fine!

Are you someone who is telling this person they are in sin, as you sit there smoking, or eating too much, or are overweight, or cuss all the time, or look at half dressed women on line or in magazines, or watch shows or movies that are not GODLY or uplifting, watch 'cut them up' horror movies, or speed when driving....I can go on and but basically I am saying: pull the beam out of your own eye first folks. Don't tell the person that they are in sin to be depressed or feel like they want to give up on life, when you are doing any of the above listed, or other things.
Ok, I am done 'preaching".

Heart attack???

Well, I am still here.  For those of you who do not know, I may have had a mild heart attack.
Not totally sure at this point.

The past couple of years have been stressful.  Being arrested is not fun, nor is it easy and it definitely was not on my bucket list.  As with other happenings in my life that are not pleasant to go thru, once I am thru it- I can look back and say I have learned a lot.  One thing I did learn more about in the past couple of years since the arrest -was friendship, trust, and commitments.
~I learned who were 'true' friends, and who just wanted to pre-tend and then talk behind my back in a negative way. Even some in the birthing midwifery community.
~I learned who those were that were committed to being and remaining a friend and who just ran as fast as they could when the friendship was 'tested' during this tough time.
~I learned who to trust, and as the saying goes-who to keep close because they are in fact an enemy and I need to 'keep an eye' on them.

Me on the day of one of my hearings with several of my clients, all whom I fully trust...

With the social media, (aka facebook) I immediately gained about 500 'friends' after I was arrested.  Some have since 'de-friended me' once the initial drama was over.  That shows me they were only interested in watching the drama unfold.

Some are still 'friends', and many remain true to that friendship, but others not so.  Over the past few weeks I have been weeding many of those out.  Many still hang out as a 'friend' to watch  what is happening and others, remain because they really are a friend.  I only want real friends.

So I have begun to 'de-friend' those who I never really hear from, last week I got rid of 25 of them (well I de-friended them) and I felt good about that. If you dont care to comment once in awhile, or check how I am doing, then its time for you to go.  Now more to go!   I do not need the drama and stress of people who just want to spy on me.  I really do not.  I am not a child and will not act as one, and doing the spying thing, to me, is childish. I need and only want REAL friends,  who serve the LORD YHWH and whom we can fellowship on line, those whom I CAN trust and who have my back.  I know, I also need to be a light to others, and I am fine with that.  But, well-you know, there are just some-who have to go.

 I want to use face book as a way to keep up with certain people, and they with me.  I also want to use it as a witness to those who do not know YHWH as I do.

So the de-stressing by eliminating facebook friends will continue.  I will also work on other areas of stress in my life.  Stress has to go.

Why?

Because stress kills and I had a close call this week.

Monday began normally.  I had an appointment scheduled with a doctor (well actually a nurse practitioner) whom I have been seeing for my health care needs.  As a diabetic whose blood sugars were for a long time, not in control, and with having PCOS (that means it is difficult to lose weight ), someone with high triglycerides, (heart attack level and the diabetes and PCOS do not help lower those-in fact, helps to raise them) I need to do some serious changes.  I have been working on that for years, and with hard work, medicines and Herbals in combinations, I was able to lower all to good amounts.  Until the former doctor I saw-argued with me, calling me crazy, stupid, ---well more on that later.

So the other care providers I had been seeing over the years, were ok, but not all were very understanding about the PCOS and that plays huge into my health care and treatment plan.  Also they were men.  Sorry, but when a doctor comes to you as a woman, when you are overweight and just assumes all you do is eat junk, fried foods and fattening things, and then says the PCOS is nothing to worry about-it shows they are not the one I need to be seeing.

They would tell me: you need to just not eat that way (they did not believe me at how I really ate) and then say: you need to stop eating too much, or Don't eat fried foods Or don't eat junk or fast foods.  Ugg.  I would get so tired of arguing with them about how I did NOT eat that way. One use to call me stupid, crazy and other things when I would discuss the use of herbs or other treatment plans that did not include medication. My family did not believe me when I would tell them how he spoke to me.  Once my husband came to a appointment, and the doctor (from India) treated me soooo nice.  Why? Because my husband was there.  He was like a totally different man! So one time I had my oldest daughter attend an appointment with me.  After the appointment was over, she looked at me and said:  Mom forgive me, wow! He was rude!  But I needed a doctor, one that would prescribe the medications that I needed so for now, I was stuck.

Then after transferring a client and her baby to the hospital, I met a new doctor in ER who was setting up practice in my home town.  He told me to come talk to him (about helping back me as a Midwife) and soon we were taking our own mother there for care and then I transferred my care to him.

So the new doctor I was seeing, although he is really nice, he says: You need to just eat less and not eat fried foods, or fast food....Oh no, here we go again! I would just say -ya I know.  He too was not 'listening' to me about how I really ate!  He too, obviously did not understand PCOS and diabetes and their connection.  After a year or more under his care, he suggested that I see his nurse practitioner as 'she has had wonderful results helping people lower their blood sugars.'  

I thought, ok fine.  But here I go again, telling my story again, and will again most likely be told-stop eating so much, stop eating junk food, and stop eating fast food (even though I DO NOT eat that way)

So at the first appointment to see her, I was not happy. My body language spoke loudly.  The nurse noticed it and told me I do not have to be here, I can leave.  She was not being mean, just stating facts.  I said no, I will follow thru-Its just I was not looking forward to telling my life story again-- to someone who would look at me and going thru the same thing-again. (I did not realize who this NP was until she walked in-I use to work with her)

She came in, and I was happy with seeing her.  Then she looked at me and said, Ireena, you have to eat.  I thought; what? ......she got it..........  This will work.  (also, she herself had battled weight all of her life so she really understood)

See, I normally will get up about 6 am, and I can go until 1 or 2 or 3 pm until I eat anything.  Then I eat a good meal, and maybe its the ONLY meal I eat all day!  I may eat something in the evening time, and maybe not.

Yes I know, that is NOT healthy.  I KNOW that, I preach to woman all the time how to eat healthy! What I do eat -when I eat- it is healthy.  I try to eat organic as much as I can, we raise most of our own food-including meat, veggies and eggs. But the not eating until so late in the day, messes with my blood sugar, and also not eating enough-often I do not eat enough---my body is thinking it is starving all the time.  So it reserves EVERYTHING I eat-even healthy stuff, and stores it.   Plus with PCOS, my body will have a higher sugar and higher triglycerides.

She also changed my insulins (I had been on the same one for about 8 years-and even with the not eating enough-- it was NOT working)

Wow, when she did this---I noticed a change in my sugars!  So I have been under her care now for a few months, seeing improvements...my HbA1C has dropped!

So onto my story: Monday was my regular appointment but they called in the morning and asked due to a meeting the NP had to go to, if I would come in earlier or would I like to change it to another day.  I thought, no, for some reason-due to how I had been feeling over the past week, I thought-I really needed to see her.  I would come in early.

I had been feeling exhausted-for weeks.  After sleeping for 8-10 hours, (I had been going to bed really early) I would wake up and be so tired. I was not sure why, but it was not the normal me.

 I have been having dental work done over the past 3 months, removing silver fillings, and having them replaced with the healthy ones.  And just a week before this doctor (NP) appointment, I had my teeth cleaned.  I always get pre-medicated due to a history of having had Pericarditis.

'Pericarditis is a swelling and irritation of the pericardium, the thin sac-like membrane that surrounds your heart. Pericarditis often causes chest pain and sometimes other symptoms. Pericarditis is usually sudden and short-lived (acute).'

 That was years ago.  I occasionally will have a issue again, and have to really watch my fluid intake.  Too little and I feel strange things with my heart.

So at the dentist office, they took my blood pressure, and it was 99 over 50 something.  That is not my normal.  I usually run about 130s over 80s.  If this really is my B/P right now, it is a huge drop.  I thought, she must have done it wrong. I am not going to worry and tell her she done it wrong, what ever!

 But as the days went on, I continued to feel so tired.  So I thought, I will check my blood pressure myself....and when I did, noticed it was so low.  I re-checked it right a way, with a different cuff-still very low!  90s over 50s.  I kept a close eye on it over the next week, and I noticed I would feel a strange feeling in my head, not dizzy, just weird, and my pressure would be low when that happened.   Plus,  I was so very tired.  The highest the b/p went that week was 110s over 60s.

  I told the NP about this and also about some minor discomfort I had been feeling in my chest too for a few weeks.  She thought it would be a good idea to do a EKG.  I agreed.

After it was done, the nurse who did it hurried out to show the results to the NP and she in turn, showed it right away to the doctor (the nurse had left the door open so I could hear it all) they talked about me maybe wearing a holter (a portable device to monitor you for a day or so, you wear it at home) and then decided to call a cardiologist and I heard it all.  'Should I send her by ambulance or.....ok...yes...thank you.'

The NP came in and told me it did not look good, and I was to go to the ER.  She asked which hospital was my choice, and I said Borgess (known for their excellence with heart stuff, they are one of the top hospitals in the country for heart stuff)

They has told her, if I have been experiencing this over the past few weeks, then it was probably not happening right now, but 'had' already happened so it was not an emergency-where I needed to go right now...via ambulance.  I could drive myself (well hubby was) and it would be ok for us to go home and pack a bag, take care of the animals, and then drive to the hospital.  They will plan to keep me and monitor my heart and do some testing.

So we went home and Scott fed the animals, and I packed a bag, then off we went.

Well Long story short, in the ER the EKG was normal, and so were the labs.  But they wanted to admit me for observation.  I know, you do not just admit someone for observation if everything is 'normal'.  So  that made me wonder if they did not see something more but still wanted to be sure---I knew I was going to be admitted but if everything was in fact normal, then why admit me?

"EKG (Electrocardiogram)

This test detects and records the heart's electrical activity.  The test shows how fast the heart is beating and its rhythm and if the beat is regular, or irregular and steady.  An EKG also records the strength and timing of the electrical signals as they pass through each part of the heart.It can show signs of heart damage due to coronary heart disease and signs of a previous or current heart attack. " 

As we were driving to the hospital-I was working on writing checks to pay the bills, thinking if it is the worse, if anything happens, then this needs done to help Scott out.  I expected Scott to just drive, and go by whatever our GPS said, but our GPS unit was not being very reliable, and seemed to take us all over. He asked me about better directions and I laughed and said, I am busy over here having a possible heart attack along with writing out bills-you figure it out! (got to keep your humor a little bit!)  I did have peace....YHWH was with me....

 I talked to our children on the phone, they were on the way-I told them that they might make it to the hospital before us because it appeared that we were lost! We took a wrong turn from the directions my sister had given us, and thus had to rely on the GPS system only. But It finally came thru for us!

Once at the ER, an IV was begun (by a new nurse, who blew the first one, and now I had a huge hematoma at that site), then she finally was able to get one started-in a very tender spot that only inexperienced nurses will start them in that location....ouch.

I had the copy of the EKG that was done at the office, they made a copy of that one, and once on the floor another one was done too.  My 3rd EKG (this might cost a bit!)  By then my children were there. As the second one was being done my dil who is a nurse watched it.  It did not look normal either.
shucks. that is not good

So was it a MI?  By the labs, it did not show it, but my dil said if it happened awhile ago, (not today) then the labs may not show it even though the EKG says so. (Troponin levels can remain high after a heart attack for a few weeks)They do this test when you arrive at ER then about every 8 hours a few more times. They are time sensitive.

Blood tests:  during a heart attack, heart muscles die and release proteins into the blood stream.  Blood tests can measure the amount of these proteins in the blood stream.  If they are higher than normal, it suggests a heart attack.  

So I was to spend the night, I wore a monitoring device and was awakened often for sets of vitals, labs,  EKG, blood sugar checks.  None of these tests were done together, all were done separate, meaning just as I would fall asleep-again-I was wakened again.  Hubby was asleep in the reclining chair beside me. At least one of us was getting sleep.

In the mid morning I was sent to the cardiac lab, and a stress test was done.  That was uncomfortable.  Instead of running on a treadmill, I was told to lay still, and given a medication that speeds up the heart rate.  Having to lie still, and have the heart race like that-it would have been easier to run on the tread mill.  My mind kept telling me that when laying down, it is unnatural to have your heart rate go that fast.

  It became so difficult and I just had to keep praying....my body wanted to do relaxation techniques, and I had to work at NOT doing just that to slow my breathing and heart...(remember I am trained to help women relax in labor, so doing relaxation techniques come very natural to me).  I was told to pump my feet and given a stress ball to hang onto and pump, to try to raise my heart rate faster all while being on your side.

The problem I think was, the nurse accidently gave me the medication that lowers my heart rate first (it was to be given AFTER the test is done to help lower the heart rate again to normal) so now they had to give extra medication to get it to go faster.  great. So a test that was to take about 45 minutes from beginning to end, took 2 hours.  Scott was very stressed waiting and not knowing if I was ok or not!

As the test was done, my heart would not come down to regular rate for a long time, even with the medication.  They kept talking about that-and I think were a little worried (although a doctor is right there the whole time as your having the test done-just in case you 'code')
As I waited for my heart rate to come back to its normal rate, YHWH told me to do some deep breathing and just close my eyes and relax...breath deep, focus on resting....relax.  Finally, I heard them say...its dropping....HE is so good!

There were no blockages found in the heart!  That is a praise!  YHWH is so good to me, despite all I have went thru, HE is not done with me! (even if some older church friends might think that HE is)

 I have to trust there is no other vessels or arteries outside of the heart area that is clogged- like in the other arteries!

I was told I could go home in the evening.  Thankfully. The PA could not tell me why all of this had happened. I asked her about having had pericarditis years ago and if perhaps that had happened again, she did not know.  So she went to speak with a cardiologist and came back to speak with me.  We talked about all of it for a good hour.

  Here is what I think after all of that:  I believe that maybe perhaps I did have a previous MI, a mild one, at sometime.  Maybe I had it on the day I was arrested? Dont know. And it really does not matter when it happened, just that it did.

 The EKG showed something.  That we are sure of.  But the blood work, if it was an old one, would not be showing anything at this time.

  There was some reason my b/p dropped so low for over a week, and some reason that I had felt the way I did.  Maybe it was not even related to the MI.  Who knows!

And, maybe, just maybe YHWH totally healed me.

I can only pray it is true and I choose to give HIM all of the praise that HE deserves!

Fall Time

I am posting some photos just for fun that I have taken this year and last year.  Each one with a scripture, or quote-has special meaning to me at one point in my life over the last 2 years.  I also included a few of my nephew who I took some of his graduation photos last fall, and one of a dear friends grand children last fall.  (the 2 girls and young boy).......

Click on the first photo and it will enlarge the photo so you can see it better.
(the first photo is how my hubby and I have felt the past 2 years...)

Enjoy!

Stress....LIFE....and the will to keep going...

Life.  Were all living it, or you would not be reading this.  Your alive.  That says a lot.  Life is not easy for most of us.  Sometimes it is down right difficult, degrading, frustrating, sad, and leaves a person wondering why you should even continue in this life.   I wonder sometimes why I am still here.  I mean, what is my purpose? I thought I knew what it was, but with the past 2 years-I have changed that thought. But the amount of stress in my life has made me wonder....wonder a lot of things.

Do you read the bible?  If you do, then you know some of the basic stories in there I hope.  Can you relate to any of the people?  I can.  I relate to Job.

The past several years for me have gone like this: 

  Financially it has never been easy for us; Scott and I are not rich, but do live a comfortable life compared to some in this world.  We are hard workers.  I garden, I can, we raise our own meat and vegetables, and in the past we even raised some of our own fruit.  (a home we use to live at had fruit trees).  The fruit trees here have not survived well, mostly because the animals kill the tree before it has a chance.  (the were in the pasture, so got to start a whole new planting of trees now-ugg) 

We do not make a lot of money, some people think that we do because of what I do for a living.  I will often have some people try to 'do the math in their heads' when they think "well if you have 'X' amount of women due in a month, then you make  'X' amount in one month......."  

What they do not take into consideration is: costs of supplies, cost of birth equipment and supplies, cost of herbs and tinctures, auto payment, auto insurance, cost of gasoline, auto upkeep-including tires, brakes, -yearly at least one set up to two sets a year per auto, (the truck is available for my use in winter months when there is snow), self employment tax, social security tax, (yes when you are self employed, all of this comes out of the money I take in-so I have to 'save' up for paying it), conferences to earn (CEUs) continuing education units, magazines about what I do, education materials, books (midwifery books are expensive-the most expensive book I own cost almost $200.00)  postage supplies, stamps, other mailings, business cards, office equipment-including staples, paper, ink, pens, stapler, scissors, hole puncher things, paper clips, sticky notes,-those files that you see me carry to your home cost $5.00 to 6.00 EACH just for the file, (not including the copies of all paper work), copies, printing, advertisements, internet access, phone (s), have to keep the home phone too-- attorney fees, (lately that has been a LOT in my business), dopplers, doppler gel, bandaids, and those kind of supplies, blood pressure cuffs (buy new each year), file cabinets, file boxes, storage boxes, storage items, clothing, uniforms, shoes, (all appropriate for what I do), computer and upkeep, copier and upkeep, including ink and paper, fax machine, well I could continue this list, but you get the idea.

here is the reality of it: I need to serve 2 women a month to just break even.  If I do not,  then I go 'in the hole' personally and with the business.  

What I do is a calling, it is a ministry, but it is also a business. It is my livelihood. It is part of who I am, it describes me---but for the financial part of it, I could make more money if I would go back to working as a nurse, really.  I no longer work as a nurse, but I did make more money when I did work as a nurse than I do now.  

We still think about moving away.  Especially after the past several years.  I am tired of the rejection of so called friends, I am tired of the legal crap, I am tired of a lot of what is happening in our life right now. I am just tired. 

So a number of years back, when we were struggling financially-we considered moving.  I saw an add in a midwifery magazine looking for help in a business.  I called the woman, and was told she had someone moving to help her so she no longer needed help.  We talked for a short time, and then that was it.  Well things in my life here, changed over the next several months.   My mom, started to become worse, and was needing a lot more care.  I did not want to move away from her -I felt that GOD wanted me here to be with her in her dying days and felt even though business for me here was not what I needed financially, we would have to stay and just continue to trust the LORD.  Mom needed me here. That was in early spring.

Later in the fall, this woman called me.  She had taken on extra clients anticipating this woman would move to the area and help her, and now, the woman was not moving there. She was wondering if I was still considering moving to the area.  No I was not.  Then she asked if I could come and help her for a few months.  She offered to pay my way there, even if I drove, and offered to pay me to work with her, offered to house me and feed me.  That was a great deal-so off I went for about 2 months. 

So I went to Virginia for 2 months during October and November and I worked with another midwife.    I was away from hubby all that time. But GOD was good and we survived it.  Scott learned to skype although he has since forgotten how!  Everyone there was soooo very nice, and accepting where I was at.  It was beautiful land, and the people, I just can not say enough about how nice everyone was! 

Do you know what it is like to go to a church and heaven forbid you 'sit in someone elses chair?" I do. I have had people comment-even now-in todays world.  Yep.  It still goes on.  I just will sit (in the bleachers at our old church-) or off in a corner because I 'might' sit in someones seat. And I do not want to offend anyone. Well I did NOT feel this in Virginia.  People were so accepting and so very nice.  Maybe it was because I was 'new', but I do not think so.  They were just polite.  Try it, go to your church and watch for a few weeks-see? Do people always sit in the same chair? What does that do for a 'new' visitor? How do they act (the regulars) if someone 'sits' in their seat? Believe me, I have tested this and people get upset! They really do. It is not ok folks.  Your stuck in a rut and then you (I have seen this and experienced it) have an attitude or say things that are hurtful.  Oh then you pretend it was a joke-but remember what is in your heart comes out of your mouth...so do not try to lie and disguise it as a joke.  I guess you see here, it bothers me when people are that way.  It really does.

Rather than making this blog so very long, I will get to the point of things here: (this was suppose to be just about stress)

I was away for 2 months from hubby and family.  We did not get to attend the family thanksgiving that year, and it would be the last one 2 of our family members were at.  When I returned - I began my diet to loose weight-I had tested this diet how it effected me to eat this way, take the injections or use the tincture, before actually going on the diet---for a year----and I did fine so now I began the actual diet and I lost 45 #s.   Our horse we raised from a young colt, we had to put her down.

2 months later, my only brother died from breast cancer. I sat with him as he passed from this life into eternity. PRAISE GOD that he accepted HIS gift of salvation -12 hours before he died. 

I stopped the diet. 

Over the next 3 months, I walked 2 babies to the grave. They never took a breath.  One was a friend who was visiting from out of town, and while here to see her family, her baby died in uterus. I stayed with them as a friend and while at that babies funeral, received a call from a client whose baby stopped moving.  I told her to go to the hospital, and her baby was gone. 

Over the next 9-12 months I would walk 4 more babies to the grave.  All were born with such severe abnormalities that they could not survive in this world.   Does it make it easier? no it does not.  GOD was with me, and those families. That was 5 families (one woman had twins) that I helped.  (All have since had healthy children. )

     I ‘found’ those 45 pounds.  

I decided to work again on the diet.  I went on it for one week and I lost 12 pounds.  My mother, whom we took care of in the home in her remaining years, had a stroke and died. GOD was good and her passing was not too long of suffering.  

  I “found” those 12 pounds.  

My diabetes became worse. (I have since found out all that time--- I was immune to the insulin I had been on)

5 months after my mom passed away, I was arrested for ‘just being a midwife’ ( learned really fast who my TRUE friends were, who I could really count on, and who was not supportive as they always claimed they were.)

I still am waiting for all of that to 'just go away'. My case is 'linked' with a different midwife whom I assisted at a birth.  You are allowed to provide aid and comfort to a woman in labor and that is what I did at that birth. (I have always been allowed to serve women from my church- now that the new bill is thru, I can only hope that things will be different-I can only hope-but the charges are lingering-they are suppose to ‘go away’) 

 I was rejected by a church we had attended since 1986-(except for about 4 years) we were the 'last' remaining couple that had been there the longest-not that I guess that matters but it is a fact.

 With GODs help, we paid off our truck, one medical bill, and another bill, yeah! Less debt!  

I started another birth center (not with my money),  

our roof on our home is still bad

we almost financially lost our home

we are being sued, ---and hopefully that is now worked out-

my doctor keeps messing up on my medications and blood tests  

we were finally after working on this since march of this year, got the payments lowered on our home (was paying out 60% of our income to the bank for the house before that!-but we are still behind 3 months on our house payments)  

The state of michigan investigated me about 6 -7 years ago, just because I am a midwife.  No bad outcome, no complaint.  So I hired an attorney for that (I have employed too many attorneys lately) and was told after they were done investigating, yea, you’re doing nothing wrong, nothing bad.  Now, all these years later-it’s happening again.  Sigh. going to be investigated-again.   I will know more after I have to meet with the investigator. 

My sister has cancer

 Ok: I bet you are thinking, wow, stop complaining Ireena. This probably all sounds like I am complaining, I am not, but that is what I have been dealing with for the past several years. 

I wonder sometimes if GOD hates me. I really do   Then even after saying that and writing it, I hear HIM say no daughter, I do not.   I know HE has not left me, but sometimes it “feels” like it.  

I have been rejected by too many humans, I have been rejected a LOT the last 2 years by people and I just cannot stand it to think that YHWH has rejected me too.  You might say, really Ireena?  Well yes.  If your a friend, do you check on your friends?  Do you invite them over for dinner or call them to check on them?  Over the past 10 years, Scott and I have been invited 3 or 4 times to someones home from where we went to church. Really.  Does that say it for you? that is GODs people.  We use to invite people over all the time, we actually had a goal to invite someone over from the church until we had invited everyone over, every year- and we almost succeeded with that-but we gave up.   People make time for their very best friends, but not for others.  And it continues....This world and HIS church is not doing a good job.  It really is not. 

 I totally understand what Job felt, and I pray and pray, please not my family.  Whatever I am to learn LORD GOD, Let me learn it.  Allow my ears to be open and my eyes see what YOU have for me LORD GOD YHWH. 

How do I keep going?  I try to just focus on what is good --what is not going wrong. I try, but I am human...so often fail more than I succeed.  We have the written word of GOD/YHWH, we have HIS HOLY SPIRIT, we are in a home, have a roof over our house, we have food, we have water, we have beautiful land, we have our family, we have each other (hubby and I ) I have a working auto, my hubby has a job, his truck works fine, we have healthy children and healthy grand children, my daughter in law survived cancer, I am a walking miracle (they have told me many times I should be dead over the past 22 years), I do have 'real' friends, who have never left me thur all of this, very few around where we live, but a number of them across the country-who email and face book with me and they have been a help for us when we have been rejected by others in the physical area where we live.  

I will keep going, because what ever HE has for me yet, I have to accomplish.  

My daily life-what I see as I make my rounds in this     country----all in photos.......

You Just Did What????

Well life-can take a turn sometimes for the weird, and for the ...I can not believe that happened!

One of the chiropractors I have served at birth, and have went to for his services--- uses this massager thing on your back before he adjusts the back, to relax you. That is nice, and so I thought, hey, great, I like that. We 'need' one of those.  I looked them up on the web and found them for at least 200 dollars, not a bad price, but it would have to go on my *wish* list, not my *need* list.  Needs come first around here, and wants take the back seat.

That means it may be a long time before we get one.  SO I prayed and said LORD I really *want* one of those, it would be nice.  I left it there...at HIS feet.

 Then at a garage sale, yep-there it was! The exact massager---This little old lady had one, still in the original box, it was an older model, but worked great-and ONLY 3 dollars! I bought it.  (this was over a year ago) -how nice! Right?  I am so thankful that GOD takes care of our wants too-not just our needs!

I had a migraine last night.  Just hurt so much esp on the right side shoulder. I get the pain in weird places, but have had migraines since I was about 12 so know what I need to do to help relieve the pain.

So asked my husband to massage that shoulder using this last night. I laid down on my tummy and he began the massage. I kept telling him no-the right side, (he worked the left side) finally I was thinking, I might have some relief from this headache.

Then it happened....I felt my hair being  pulled out-literately, and also at the same time felt my hair being sucked into this massager--my husband did not even notice (men-they are so slow sometimes!) finally when he did notice--- after I am going...
 "ouch ouch ouch...."
he is like-
 ~"what do I do"
~I am thinking-Really? SHUT IT OFF (I was thinking this-but could not even voice it from the pain)
~so he shuts it off-finally (seemed like a long time, but it was prob only just seconds).

He looked at it and said, he could not even untangle it..not at all-it would have to be cut out.
I told him there was scissors in the bottom drawer of our bathroom cabinet (two steps away) but he lays this huge thing on my back (remember I AM on my stomach) and goes out to the other room to get shears. I think ---really????

 Now think about this:

If I roll over, it will fall off.
If I move at all, it will fall off.
If it falls off of my back, it will take my tangled up hair, a LOT of hair, and will just pull it right out of my head.

So with my hair wrapped around it, in the motor, and all---I try to be so still--- so it will not fall off, that way, it will not pull out the rest of my hair...

He takes for ever to bring back scissors--but you have to remember that he was raised when we were told to not run with scissors---so I know, he is not running....as I wait...

Finally he returns and I hear as my hair is cut, each cut, I think there it goes, I will not be vain, but I am sad...I do like long hair, (I guess I am an old hippy at heart)

I had hair down to my lower back, almost, and my hair is NOT thick any more, (older age does that) and it takes a very long time to grow-so what little amount of hair that went that long, is now shorter than the sides-up to the neck. Now it has this huge chunk out of it-right in the middle.

not sure what I am gonna do.   Not sure what style I will need to have it cut now...I will not be able to do anything until later this week most likely....ugg.  So I will walk around with this strange cut---long-short- long--not sure if there is hair there or not---long -short -long....

UPDATE this morning: I asked him for the massager.  He had not re moved the hair that he said was "in the motor".  I looked at it, and it was not in the motor-AND I was able to untangle the up to 9 inches of hair...un rolling it from the machine.  It unrolled just fine.  That means, my hair did NOT have to be cut out.  sigh. 9 inches of hair. gone.

Jail...part 2......

“When a man does a piece of work which is admired by all we say that it is wonderful; but when we see the changes of day and night, the sun, the moon, and the stars in the sky, and the changing seasons upon the earth, with their ripening fruits, anyone must realize that it is the work of someone more powerful than man.”

— —Chief Standing Bear

I have learned a lot-I already know that Someone more powerful IS in control.  I knew that.  But it is still always good to see HIM-my GOD-YHWH- in action.  I have also learned about friendship and about support. 

 I have learned that some say they support-yet hold the knife, so you should not turn your back on them...(remember the saying keep your friends close and your enemies closer?  It is true.) 

I have seen that you will get support from those who want to see the midwife laws changed-who will fight with all they have to do just that.  I have learned that you get support from those who want to see the government out of the family’s private business-and who do not want to regulate midwifery, but just want the government to stay out of the people’s business. (Wouldn’t that be wonderful?!) You will get support from many, for different reasons, but you will receive it from all over the world.  It has been amazing.   I have ‘met’ many, on line, many wonderful people. I thank all of you for your ongoing encouragement. 

The prayers from those people who support me--- have also been such a blessing.

Going thru this, going thru something tough-standing up for others and their rights ---it does make me think-

--how many of you would stand up for what you believe to be wrong, how hard would you try to make changes-, to take that stand-no matter the price you may pay?  

 I have been called a freedom fighter, a warrior, a law-breaker, a true friend, a strong woman, a woman of faith---a fighter for women, a fighter for families private rights, a trail blazer. 

 The day of my first hearing: 

before I walked into the court house, they sang a hymn.  My sister reached out to give me a hug, because I began to cry...it was the hymn that our daddy use to play his guitar and sing to us....she whispered to me, stop, dont let them (the authorities) see you cry,....

they lined the sidewalk, and I walked thru the crowd, now they follow me into the court house

speaking with a reporter...

going into the court house

My daughter and sister counted about 180 people in attendance and in support of me-even though the newspapers only reported 100 supporters who showed up on that day.  All of those people showed up in support and I thank them for that support. 

This guy was great! Got the town honking! 

the president of Indiana Midwives Association and I talk (photo from Goshen newspaper)

  GOD is still in control, and HE has exposed the hearts of many whom I thought was a friend.  Even Jobs friends came and sat with him.  I am thankful that HE-the FATHER has not left me.  HE is still in control of my life and I pray HE uses all of this for HIS glory. 

So here is the rest of my story:

The cement is cold.  The strange thing is it actually feels good on my back and neck. My head is pounding. My blood sugar is way off, I can tell.  But I rest a little.

I think about how I will have to sleep this way.  I am not sure I can rest while lying down on this hard (steel) bench. It is actually more comfortable sitting up like this. The little mat they give you to put on the steel “bed” is not even long enough for a child.  I would have to curl up into a ball to fit on it. I think about the freedom of having as many pillows as I want at home, and how that is not possible here. I do not even have one pillow.  If I am to be here for some time-I will miss those simple freedoms.  The thin mat is only about an inch thick, not thick enough to provide any type of comfort.  It is also a weak mat, meaning, it does not seem to hold up so basically provides a barrier between the steel bed and me, of the thickness of a sheet.

Tears flow again….and I think of this:

“There is sacredness in tears. They are not the mark of weakness, but of power. They speak more eloquently than ten thousand tongues. They are messengers of overwhelming grief...and unspeakable love.” 

Washington Irving

I also remember this verse:

 Psalm 56:8 says:

You keep track of all my sorrows.  You have collected all my tears in your bottle.  You have recorded each one in your book.

I think about all of my freedoms that are now restricted, taken away, and all because I am helping women with their rights to choose.  I battle for rights for women and their families.  Now the truth will come out as to if they in turn, will be supportive of my sacrifice. Or at least supportive of me personally- their actions will expose all hearts. 

 I am a warrior.

 I have often been alone in my battles. 

I have always been willing to work in the trenches, even if I am alone, for years. 

The mission work I did was often alone.  I almost always-sat alone sorting clothing, I often went alone-driving across the country to deliver the items---

  I sat once before the pastor and elders of our church, arguing with them as they questioned me and the reasons I did what I did with the mission work.  Since they did not see people getting 'saved'..  They did not support me and what I was doing-because they did not see the numbers of those saved....  Sometimes its about trust before the harvest comes in.  I got that. I always did.  Others, did not. 

I told them I would go alone then. I am accountable to GOD first. I would not allow men, even if elders, to put themselves before GOD.  GOD speaks to me-I listen.  If I always go alone, I would rather blaze the trail than follow the crowd in blindness.  I KNOW what GOD said to me-and I alone am accountable for following HIS will or not.

 I sit here alone.

GOD whispers to me-no you’re not alone.

I rest.

I pray.

I rest again.

The door opens and there is the female police officer I met before--here to ask me something.  I again ask about: -- my pants that are too tight, and ask about a bible.  I ask again about my insulin. 

I do not receive my insulin, I do not receive a bible and I do not receive a change of clothing that will fit better.

This happens a total of about 4 times.

I do not know what time it is.  But I know I am not given a lunch. I am not hungry, but as a diabetic-I have to eat something, even just a little-to maintain a proper blood sugar balance or my body does bad things to my sugar level.  I also know I am not given my insulin or able to test my blood sugar.  Stress does a number on my blood sugar….it is probably the cause of my headache, I am sure of that.   My blood sugar is way too high because of the stress---but I cannot do anything about it.  They will not let me.

I sit in solitude.  

The LORD tells me some things, and some of it is not good-like the fact that some whom I have called friends/family- will leave me as a friend.  HE warns me of that.  But HE also tells me HE has not left me and will not eveleave me.  HE has called me, and I am to continue to trust HIM, not to depend on humans, but only on HIM and to listen closely.

HE tells me-other things, things I am not allowed to share with anyone at this time.... But HE warns me of what is to come with some....

So there I sit.  Waiting for someone to bring me news, to bring me pants that fit, to bring a bible, to bring a note pad and pencil, to bring my blood sugar supplies and insulin….I sit and wait-for hours.

The room has no window to the outside.  There are no bars; it’s not like in the movies.  This is probably what they call a holding cell.  There is no way to tell what time it is by the sun since there are no windows.  It makes me wonder how dark it is in here at night.  

Will they keep the light on all night? Do I get a say in that?  If they do, that would be too bright to sleep.  But with the light off, it would be complete darkness.  I doubt that it would be as dark as if you’re in a cave….I have been in a cave and had the light off, that is true darkness—I wonder if that is the way it is in hell. 

But for this cell, I am sure the light from on the other side of the door will shine under the door.  Funny the things you think about at a time like this.

The door is a heavy door, thick steel.  It has a small window-about the size of a foot wide by a foot tall.  It has a steel door on it that they can open and shut to look in at us.  It has a covering on the side of the cell so the prisoner cannot reach the officer, but allows the officer to look in at the prisoner.

I hear something at the door, and that little door inside the door opens, and an officer I have not yet seen today, asks me if I am ok.  He is obviously in a hurry, and begins to shut the little door prior to my answer ---when I yell out a loud “”NO””

He opens the little door back up, and asks what is needed.  I tell him my leg is swelling enough that if I do not get a different pair of pants I am going to have a big problem.  I also ask for a bible ---again.  He does not give me enough time to ask anything else before he shuts the little door, so I do not even get to ask about my blood sugar, and medicine.

About what seems like a half an hour later, I hear the door opening-the big door-and that officer stands there with an article of clothing in his hands.  He says that he only has one large size, and that they are very large, telling me they will probably be too big-and there is no belt to hold them up. 

He then throws them towards me purposefully to land on the floor. He could have just placed them on the floor at the door (I understand for safety reasons they cannot walk in and hand them to me nicely, but there appeared to be an attitude behind the action-which was rude).  He tells me that I can place the others on the floor when I am done changing. 

Before he leaves-I ask about a phone call to which his reply is that he will try to get the phone.

Once he shuts the door, I change out of the one pair of pants, and put on the new pair, which are so large, I have to hold them to keep them from falling down.  That would be embarrassing if they would fall down yet they watch me use the bathroom so I guess they have seen it all already anyway. If I would have to walk anywhere, they would come off, I bet the cops would get a laugh out of that too, naked bottom of mine exposed as I walk with my hands so they could see them, hand cuffed in front of me, and nothing to hold my pants up. I guess they must like this torment, or they would try a bit harder to provide something that fits.  The unfortunate thing about the new pair-the tight older pair held the peri pad in place, with this new pair- the pad falls out onto the floor.  I finally give up, it will not stay in place. Well, wont this be fun.

Again I sit and wait.  No bible yet.  No anything.

They finally bring food.  

It is a mess of starch thick noodles mixed with a sauce and some mystery meat, (all things a diabetic can NOT eat) then white bread and corn.  Really? All are things that I as a diabetic can NOT eat.  Especially all together in one meal! With the way my blood sugar is (although I do not know the actual reading it is since they will not allow me to check it) I can tell my  the migraine headache I have had that it has to be well over 350 close to 400.  If I eat this meal, it will kill me.  It would cause me to go into a diabetic coma! There is an apple and milk, so I ask the female cop who brought me in the meal if they have anything else like fruits and vegetables or just cheese or meat.  She looks at me like you're kidding?  She tells me no, and asks me what I usually eat.  I tell her organic vegetables, fruit and meat---she again looks at me like I am nuts and says no.  I tell her this meal will kill me.  She leaves and comes back with a carrot stick that has been sliced so thin so it looks like there is more than there really is.  I eat the carrot stick, apple, and drink the milk.  Not the best but better than the rest of the junk.  I will either loose weight here or die.  I had asked this female cop earlier about my medicine and checking my blood sugar but again, they bring nothing so I can do that.

Finally a phone comes. 

Now when I was put in this cell, remember they did not allow me to wear underwear or a bra.  After all, I might hang myself with them.  (If I really wanted to –I could do that with the pants and shirt too!)

But they bring me a phone, hooked up to a cord…a really long cord that reaches across the cell with some left over going out under the door.  I guess they are more worried about me hanging myself with my bra than this phone cord!  There is enough cord here to wrap around my neck about 20 times.  I could strangle myself instead of hanging myself.

  That is just stupid.  Really? Worry about a bra but not this?  I am surprised they do not give a cell phone with no cord!

I call home.  It cost 10 dollars for 5 minutes.  Finally Scott answers. 

We cry.

I tell him remember anything I say or he says they will use against me, so do not say anything.  They are after all, taping the call.  It is not that I have anything to hide, but still-they will twist things.

Scott tells me everyone is there, (our children and their families) and they are all trying to figure out what to do.

The call ends all too soon.  Then I am all alone.  I sit for a long time.  It seems like a long time. 

They do not come to get the phone, so I sit with the phone.  Again, they must not be worried about the cord, not like they are about the bra and underwear. 

After some time, just holding that phone, I call again.  It is the being lonely that is tough. I know I am spending a lot of money to make that call, but I need to hear my husband’s voice again.

Despite all of this, I have peace, true peace from GOD.  I know HE is in control.  I am not.

I am on the phone for that second time, and the door opens.  The police officer says I have bail.  I am very excited…I had thought I would not have bail until Monday sometime.  I ask him how much, and he tells me a $10,000. dollar bond.  That means $1000.00 to pay now.  He asks if I have it, and I say yes.  He looks sort of surprised, like he thought I would not have that much cash or something. Teachings thru the years of Larry B and now Dave Ramsey, pays off.

(they-the jail- dont take checks, visa, masercard or american express!)

I tell scott, and he asks what he is to do.  I tell him I need a bondsmen, so ask Jeannie who is at my house right now, as she knows what to do (she has been arrested for being a midwife too and knows how to help us with the decision of a bondsman)

I tell Scott where the money is, and how to get it, and tell him to hurry.

I sit and wait now, but the wait is easier. I am getting out and will sleep in my own bed tonight.

Later I hear the door open, and the officer tells me I can change (in that little bathroom, I changed in when I first got here) and that I am going home.

Then in a little while, he escorts me out, thru a series of steel doors.  I see my husband and son Nathan, and the bonds man.  I want to hurry out of there…just get away from that place-to just run...

I sign the necessary papers….I am not really listening to the others talk, my mind goes to thinking how you can almost smell freedom, I have heard that before-but now I 'know' what they mean.  I walk around, feels good to walk more than a few feet-then I look around on the walls in this room.  One bulletin board has (I count) 78 photos of criminals   ---all sex offenders ---for just this county. with a county of 37,000 people and 78 "known" set offenders....that means for about every 500 people there is one "known" sex offender. 

I know that some may actually be innocent, but still I think-why go after a midwife with that many sex offenders in the area?  Dont you have a lot to do to keep track of them?  If there are really that many that are in this county that have been ‘caught’, think of the ones who have not being caught.   Plus, the drug dealers!  The meth labs!  Really…spend the tax money going after the drug dealers and criminals that hurt women, children, with drugs, beating them, all of that. 

No, instead, the streets are safe now, since they have one less midwife.....

I walk back to where my son and husband are signing the final papers.  I am now in their hands….instead of being a ward of the county, I am now a ward of my husband and son...

We walk out the door of the jail and across the parking lot. I want to run...but I walk...

 I look over and I see the sun setting….the sight is beautiful, I turn and walk to the truck and cry….