Fall things -Fall time-Fall-Fall - and more Fall....

Fall has come and gone.  This year I notice that leaves on the trees (or most of them) have fallen before the actual coldest weather has arrived.  That is good, for the trees.  Or so I have been told.

View during the fall time from our living room

It was beautiful to watch the leaves this fall. Actually the photos do not do the view from our front windows justice. This view is a blessing!

the small pond in the herb garden

Although the weather around here is getting colder, and winter is not far away, today is really not that bad.  The past several days, only about an hour or two away they received from 1 inch to about 8 inches of snow.  We did not get any snow, which I am glad for.  I am really not ready emotionally for winter.  Not looking forward to driving around in it.

Around here, on the farm, I am more ready than I have been in other years.  I  have my gardens cleaned out, the garden boxes are ready for spring.  That is huge for me.  That means in the spring I will only have a little bit of work to do when preparing the garden.  I love that I have finally made it to that point!  Life has been so busy for so long that I have always ran behind at preparing the boxes for the fall.  Maybe because of this, I might be able to finally get my herb garden cleaned up this spring!

Scott and I was able to go out on a date a few weeks ago, a rare thing for us.  He has been working 12 hour shifts for months, and although the extra money has helped pay some bills, the time apart from him is not welcoming.  

So the plant he works in, shut down for opening gun season on deer, (michigan) and that gave him a extra day off.  That Friday we went to Ft Wayne, saw a movie-a first for us for years!  The cost to get into the movie was not bad, but the cost of popcorn and a pop-which we shared-was as much as the tickets to the movie!  There were only about 6 other couples in the movie theater, so we had our choice of seats!  That was nice.

After that we went to our daughter, Nalani's studio.   

Nalani working on the wheel...

We got to work on the potters wheel, and we are not as good at that as I remembered or thought we were, from high school! 

me struggling with putting the wheel together! 

 I was going for a big mug.  I just got it like I liked, then the top part would fall off.  So I thought, ok, a short mug-coffee cup style.  Then it would do the same thing.  I was to the size of a tea cup, when it totally collapsed.  I did this same thing 3 times.  

down to a tea cup! 

was at a mug, then here at a coffee sup size which you can see fell in on the one side! 

 Nalani had to rescue me.

Nalani working on her own wheel and on a project.  

Below are some of Nalanis art work...

After being in the studio for a few hours, we finished up our 'mugs' and cleaned up then took Nalani out to dinner.  I should have called somewhere for reservations, on a Friday night, in Ft wayne, you will wait for about 45 minutes.  

So we went somewhere more simple, Panda Express.  

After dinner,  Nalani went back to the studio, and we went onto a hotel.  We had decided to stay at a hotel so we could enjoy the  pool and hot tub.  The Hot tub was great, turned up hot enough.  But the pool was freezing.  I like cold-but it was too cold even for me!  I could not even walk more than about knee high.  It was so cold that it was cooling my core body temperature too much!  

So we sat on the steps of the pool, disappointed with it being so cold. Unable to enjoy the pool, we just enjoyed the hot tub.  But you can only sit in a hot tub just so long.  When I had made the reservations, I stressed to them the ONLY reason we were staying at a hotel, was for the pool and hot tub.  Other than that, we would not spend the money!  We awoke early and left the hotel for home, about 5 am.  Today was church day.  Scott had begun to feel poorly, prob from the freezing pool-so we did not go to church-again. 

That following monday I called and spoke with the general manager, and asked him what the temperature of the pool is to be set at.  He said he would check the records to what it was set at (on paper) I told him it did not matter what the staff put down on paper, believe me, it was freezing.  He thanked me for letting him know, and said he would follow up on it, that maybe something was not working correctly.  He also gave us a re-do day, of our choice.  I was happy about that.  After we get to have the re-do day, I will let you know in a future post where this hotel is.   I want to honor them, since they obviously are good enough to make sure their customers are happy.  In todays world, that is rare.

My car has bit the dust, the transmission might be going out, which would be a HUGE issue financially.  Things are really changing, and changing fast in my life with certain things and 'work' I do.  Some good, some awful, but then, I have went thru a lot of awful for the last couple of years, so I guess I am use to that!

Yesterday was Hanukkah and we had a dinner here at our home.

Candles were lit, and dinner was served.

We had a good time, all 5 grand children were here, and bad grandma-I did not get a new group photo!  Bummer! 

  

Fall Time

I am posting some photos just for fun that I have taken this year and last year.  Each one with a scripture, or quote-has special meaning to me at one point in my life over the last 2 years.  I also included a few of my nephew who I took some of his graduation photos last fall, and one of a dear friends grand children last fall.  (the 2 girls and young boy).......

Click on the first photo and it will enlarge the photo so you can see it better.
(the first photo is how my hubby and I have felt the past 2 years...)

Enjoy!

Stress....LIFE....and the will to keep going...

Life.  Were all living it, or you would not be reading this.  Your alive.  That says a lot.  Life is not easy for most of us.  Sometimes it is down right difficult, degrading, frustrating, sad, and leaves a person wondering why you should even continue in this life.   I wonder sometimes why I am still here.  I mean, what is my purpose? I thought I knew what it was, but with the past 2 years-I have changed that thought. But the amount of stress in my life has made me wonder....wonder a lot of things.

Do you read the bible?  If you do, then you know some of the basic stories in there I hope.  Can you relate to any of the people?  I can.  I relate to Job.

The past several years for me have gone like this: 

  Financially it has never been easy for us; Scott and I are not rich, but do live a comfortable life compared to some in this world.  We are hard workers.  I garden, I can, we raise our own meat and vegetables, and in the past we even raised some of our own fruit.  (a home we use to live at had fruit trees).  The fruit trees here have not survived well, mostly because the animals kill the tree before it has a chance.  (the were in the pasture, so got to start a whole new planting of trees now-ugg) 

We do not make a lot of money, some people think that we do because of what I do for a living.  I will often have some people try to 'do the math in their heads' when they think "well if you have 'X' amount of women due in a month, then you make  'X' amount in one month......."  

What they do not take into consideration is: costs of supplies, cost of birth equipment and supplies, cost of herbs and tinctures, auto payment, auto insurance, cost of gasoline, auto upkeep-including tires, brakes, -yearly at least one set up to two sets a year per auto, (the truck is available for my use in winter months when there is snow), self employment tax, social security tax, (yes when you are self employed, all of this comes out of the money I take in-so I have to 'save' up for paying it), conferences to earn (CEUs) continuing education units, magazines about what I do, education materials, books (midwifery books are expensive-the most expensive book I own cost almost $200.00)  postage supplies, stamps, other mailings, business cards, office equipment-including staples, paper, ink, pens, stapler, scissors, hole puncher things, paper clips, sticky notes,-those files that you see me carry to your home cost $5.00 to 6.00 EACH just for the file, (not including the copies of all paper work), copies, printing, advertisements, internet access, phone (s), have to keep the home phone too-- attorney fees, (lately that has been a LOT in my business), dopplers, doppler gel, bandaids, and those kind of supplies, blood pressure cuffs (buy new each year), file cabinets, file boxes, storage boxes, storage items, clothing, uniforms, shoes, (all appropriate for what I do), computer and upkeep, copier and upkeep, including ink and paper, fax machine, well I could continue this list, but you get the idea.

here is the reality of it: I need to serve 2 women a month to just break even.  If I do not,  then I go 'in the hole' personally and with the business.  

What I do is a calling, it is a ministry, but it is also a business. It is my livelihood. It is part of who I am, it describes me---but for the financial part of it, I could make more money if I would go back to working as a nurse, really.  I no longer work as a nurse, but I did make more money when I did work as a nurse than I do now.  

We still think about moving away.  Especially after the past several years.  I am tired of the rejection of so called friends, I am tired of the legal crap, I am tired of a lot of what is happening in our life right now. I am just tired. 

So a number of years back, when we were struggling financially-we considered moving.  I saw an add in a midwifery magazine looking for help in a business.  I called the woman, and was told she had someone moving to help her so she no longer needed help.  We talked for a short time, and then that was it.  Well things in my life here, changed over the next several months.   My mom, started to become worse, and was needing a lot more care.  I did not want to move away from her -I felt that GOD wanted me here to be with her in her dying days and felt even though business for me here was not what I needed financially, we would have to stay and just continue to trust the LORD.  Mom needed me here. That was in early spring.

Later in the fall, this woman called me.  She had taken on extra clients anticipating this woman would move to the area and help her, and now, the woman was not moving there. She was wondering if I was still considering moving to the area.  No I was not.  Then she asked if I could come and help her for a few months.  She offered to pay my way there, even if I drove, and offered to pay me to work with her, offered to house me and feed me.  That was a great deal-so off I went for about 2 months. 

So I went to Virginia for 2 months during October and November and I worked with another midwife.    I was away from hubby all that time. But GOD was good and we survived it.  Scott learned to skype although he has since forgotten how!  Everyone there was soooo very nice, and accepting where I was at.  It was beautiful land, and the people, I just can not say enough about how nice everyone was! 

Do you know what it is like to go to a church and heaven forbid you 'sit in someone elses chair?" I do. I have had people comment-even now-in todays world.  Yep.  It still goes on.  I just will sit (in the bleachers at our old church-) or off in a corner because I 'might' sit in someones seat. And I do not want to offend anyone. Well I did NOT feel this in Virginia.  People were so accepting and so very nice.  Maybe it was because I was 'new', but I do not think so.  They were just polite.  Try it, go to your church and watch for a few weeks-see? Do people always sit in the same chair? What does that do for a 'new' visitor? How do they act (the regulars) if someone 'sits' in their seat? Believe me, I have tested this and people get upset! They really do. It is not ok folks.  Your stuck in a rut and then you (I have seen this and experienced it) have an attitude or say things that are hurtful.  Oh then you pretend it was a joke-but remember what is in your heart comes out of your mouth...so do not try to lie and disguise it as a joke.  I guess you see here, it bothers me when people are that way.  It really does.

Rather than making this blog so very long, I will get to the point of things here: (this was suppose to be just about stress)

I was away for 2 months from hubby and family.  We did not get to attend the family thanksgiving that year, and it would be the last one 2 of our family members were at.  When I returned - I began my diet to loose weight-I had tested this diet how it effected me to eat this way, take the injections or use the tincture, before actually going on the diet---for a year----and I did fine so now I began the actual diet and I lost 45 #s.   Our horse we raised from a young colt, we had to put her down.

2 months later, my only brother died from breast cancer. I sat with him as he passed from this life into eternity. PRAISE GOD that he accepted HIS gift of salvation -12 hours before he died. 

I stopped the diet. 

Over the next 3 months, I walked 2 babies to the grave. They never took a breath.  One was a friend who was visiting from out of town, and while here to see her family, her baby died in uterus. I stayed with them as a friend and while at that babies funeral, received a call from a client whose baby stopped moving.  I told her to go to the hospital, and her baby was gone. 

Over the next 9-12 months I would walk 4 more babies to the grave.  All were born with such severe abnormalities that they could not survive in this world.   Does it make it easier? no it does not.  GOD was with me, and those families. That was 5 families (one woman had twins) that I helped.  (All have since had healthy children. )

     I ‘found’ those 45 pounds.  

I decided to work again on the diet.  I went on it for one week and I lost 12 pounds.  My mother, whom we took care of in the home in her remaining years, had a stroke and died. GOD was good and her passing was not too long of suffering.  

  I “found” those 12 pounds.  

My diabetes became worse. (I have since found out all that time--- I was immune to the insulin I had been on)

5 months after my mom passed away, I was arrested for ‘just being a midwife’ ( learned really fast who my TRUE friends were, who I could really count on, and who was not supportive as they always claimed they were.)

I still am waiting for all of that to 'just go away'. My case is 'linked' with a different midwife whom I assisted at a birth.  You are allowed to provide aid and comfort to a woman in labor and that is what I did at that birth. (I have always been allowed to serve women from my church- now that the new bill is thru, I can only hope that things will be different-I can only hope-but the charges are lingering-they are suppose to ‘go away’) 

 I was rejected by a church we had attended since 1986-(except for about 4 years) we were the 'last' remaining couple that had been there the longest-not that I guess that matters but it is a fact.

 With GODs help, we paid off our truck, one medical bill, and another bill, yeah! Less debt!  

I started another birth center (not with my money),  

our roof on our home is still bad

we almost financially lost our home

we are being sued, ---and hopefully that is now worked out-

my doctor keeps messing up on my medications and blood tests  

we were finally after working on this since march of this year, got the payments lowered on our home (was paying out 60% of our income to the bank for the house before that!-but we are still behind 3 months on our house payments)  

The state of michigan investigated me about 6 -7 years ago, just because I am a midwife.  No bad outcome, no complaint.  So I hired an attorney for that (I have employed too many attorneys lately) and was told after they were done investigating, yea, you’re doing nothing wrong, nothing bad.  Now, all these years later-it’s happening again.  Sigh. going to be investigated-again.   I will know more after I have to meet with the investigator. 

My sister has cancer

 Ok: I bet you are thinking, wow, stop complaining Ireena. This probably all sounds like I am complaining, I am not, but that is what I have been dealing with for the past several years. 

I wonder sometimes if GOD hates me. I really do   Then even after saying that and writing it, I hear HIM say no daughter, I do not.   I know HE has not left me, but sometimes it “feels” like it.  

I have been rejected by too many humans, I have been rejected a LOT the last 2 years by people and I just cannot stand it to think that YHWH has rejected me too.  You might say, really Ireena?  Well yes.  If your a friend, do you check on your friends?  Do you invite them over for dinner or call them to check on them?  Over the past 10 years, Scott and I have been invited 3 or 4 times to someones home from where we went to church. Really.  Does that say it for you? that is GODs people.  We use to invite people over all the time, we actually had a goal to invite someone over from the church until we had invited everyone over, every year- and we almost succeeded with that-but we gave up.   People make time for their very best friends, but not for others.  And it continues....This world and HIS church is not doing a good job.  It really is not. 

 I totally understand what Job felt, and I pray and pray, please not my family.  Whatever I am to learn LORD GOD, Let me learn it.  Allow my ears to be open and my eyes see what YOU have for me LORD GOD YHWH. 

How do I keep going?  I try to just focus on what is good --what is not going wrong. I try, but I am human...so often fail more than I succeed.  We have the written word of GOD/YHWH, we have HIS HOLY SPIRIT, we are in a home, have a roof over our house, we have food, we have water, we have beautiful land, we have our family, we have each other (hubby and I ) I have a working auto, my hubby has a job, his truck works fine, we have healthy children and healthy grand children, my daughter in law survived cancer, I am a walking miracle (they have told me many times I should be dead over the past 22 years), I do have 'real' friends, who have never left me thur all of this, very few around where we live, but a number of them across the country-who email and face book with me and they have been a help for us when we have been rejected by others in the physical area where we live.  

I will keep going, because what ever HE has for me yet, I have to accomplish.  

My daily life-what I see as I make my rounds in this     country----all in photos.......

You Just Did What????

Well life-can take a turn sometimes for the weird, and for the ...I can not believe that happened!

One of the chiropractors I have served at birth, and have went to for his services--- uses this massager thing on your back before he adjusts the back, to relax you. That is nice, and so I thought, hey, great, I like that. We 'need' one of those.  I looked them up on the web and found them for at least 200 dollars, not a bad price, but it would have to go on my *wish* list, not my *need* list.  Needs come first around here, and wants take the back seat.

That means it may be a long time before we get one.  SO I prayed and said LORD I really *want* one of those, it would be nice.  I left it there...at HIS feet.

 Then at a garage sale, yep-there it was! The exact massager---This little old lady had one, still in the original box, it was an older model, but worked great-and ONLY 3 dollars! I bought it.  (this was over a year ago) -how nice! Right?  I am so thankful that GOD takes care of our wants too-not just our needs!

I had a migraine last night.  Just hurt so much esp on the right side shoulder. I get the pain in weird places, but have had migraines since I was about 12 so know what I need to do to help relieve the pain.

So asked my husband to massage that shoulder using this last night. I laid down on my tummy and he began the massage. I kept telling him no-the right side, (he worked the left side) finally I was thinking, I might have some relief from this headache.

Then it happened....I felt my hair being  pulled out-literately, and also at the same time felt my hair being sucked into this massager--my husband did not even notice (men-they are so slow sometimes!) finally when he did notice--- after I am going...
 "ouch ouch ouch...."
he is like-
 ~"what do I do"
~I am thinking-Really? SHUT IT OFF (I was thinking this-but could not even voice it from the pain)
~so he shuts it off-finally (seemed like a long time, but it was prob only just seconds).

He looked at it and said, he could not even untangle it..not at all-it would have to be cut out.
I told him there was scissors in the bottom drawer of our bathroom cabinet (two steps away) but he lays this huge thing on my back (remember I AM on my stomach) and goes out to the other room to get shears. I think ---really????

 Now think about this:

If I roll over, it will fall off.
If I move at all, it will fall off.
If it falls off of my back, it will take my tangled up hair, a LOT of hair, and will just pull it right out of my head.

So with my hair wrapped around it, in the motor, and all---I try to be so still--- so it will not fall off, that way, it will not pull out the rest of my hair...

He takes for ever to bring back scissors--but you have to remember that he was raised when we were told to not run with scissors---so I know, he is not running....as I wait...

Finally he returns and I hear as my hair is cut, each cut, I think there it goes, I will not be vain, but I am sad...I do like long hair, (I guess I am an old hippy at heart)

I had hair down to my lower back, almost, and my hair is NOT thick any more, (older age does that) and it takes a very long time to grow-so what little amount of hair that went that long, is now shorter than the sides-up to the neck. Now it has this huge chunk out of it-right in the middle.

not sure what I am gonna do.   Not sure what style I will need to have it cut now...I will not be able to do anything until later this week most likely....ugg.  So I will walk around with this strange cut---long-short- long--not sure if there is hair there or not---long -short -long....

UPDATE this morning: I asked him for the massager.  He had not re moved the hair that he said was "in the motor".  I looked at it, and it was not in the motor-AND I was able to untangle the up to 9 inches of hair...un rolling it from the machine.  It unrolled just fine.  That means, my hair did NOT have to be cut out.  sigh. 9 inches of hair. gone.